Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I just wanted to quickly express my thanks for the many blessings I have been given.

I am so blessed to have a great husband who loves me and supports me. I think I appreciate this blessing so much more than I otherwise would, because once upon a time I had a husband who did not support me, and I question whether or not he truly loved me. So, Patrick, thank you so much for being such a loving, patient, and forgiving husband. :) You are truly amazing.

I am very grateful for my wonderful family. I love my parents and my siblings, their spouses, and my beautiful nephews and nieces. All of my in-laws, too! I missed sharing this holiday with my family (especially mom's baking...Rolls to Die For), though I am also very blessed to have great friends who invited Patrick and me to their home for the feast. The rolls weren't my mom's, but they were still tasty. The turkey dressed in bacon and then baked was soooooo good!!

Which leads me to my friends. Great friends are one of life's most precious treasures. And I have a sack full of treasures!

I am grateful that I chose to take part in being an Independent Beauty Consultant with Mary Kay back in May of 2006. I cannot explain what a blessing this has been in my life. I have met so many people and found amazing mentors who have influenced my life for the good. The extra income is great, but I have to be honest - the life changes have been priceless. I anxiously anticipate the good things to come in my life through this great opportunity!

I am eternally thankful for my testimony of God's love for me. Boy have I been a screwed up person, and thank goodness Jesus Christ has made it possible for me to move beyond the screwed up version of me. :) I find so much peace knowing that all things are possible when God is involved, including becoming a better person. Just like with family...I cannot thoroughly put into words how blessed I am because of this knowledge. :)

I am grateful for the beautiful home we live in, our 3 kitties who make me so happy, and the food on our table. I live a good life. And it is all due to God's hand. Thank you!

Now I am going to go eat some more pie. (I'll post recipes for the Rolls to Die For and Pumpkin Cheesecake Pie soon! They are divine!!)

The Lovers

I don't know if I posted about my friend, Jillian, reading my Tarot cards, but I want to write down some of my thoughts from the reading.

It was on July 3rd, two days before Patrick initiated the conversation about the future of our marriage. I was working a double at work that day, and I was so excited for my break between shifts. As I was getting ready to wander for a couple hours, Jillian, a hostess at the restaurant, asked me if I would like her to read my cards during our break. I figured, why not? I'll read my horoscope once in a while for kicks. I have nothing to lose, and I might hear something comforting or insightful. And, it'll be fun and a first for me.

So, we went over to Barnes & Noble, sat at a table at the cafe, and went to town.

It would take too long to describe the layout she uses, every card that was drawn, the story about each card, and the meaning, as well as how it relates to my life, but let me tell you, it was FREAKING AMAZING. (The first card was The Lovers.) Even Jillian, who has done this a LOT, was completely blown away by how direct and applicable all of the cards were to the question I had, which was: What do I do about my marriage?

Here are some of the highlights:

• My inner balance is off and I need to restore it.
• I need to be kind to myself.
• I need to control my anxiety.
• A quiet retreat, sanctuary, or strategic withdrawal, where I can be alone with my thoughts will be very beneficial to me right now.
• I need to quit faking "calm" and show my true feelings.
• Nature is important to me. (the best place for me to find sanctuary)
• The relationship I want is characterized by mutual affinity and union, clear, true, supportive, comforting, with room for passions to grow. There is potential for this in my existing relationship.
• I should not re-enter social activities until satisfied that I have resumed contact with a personal value system.
• I need to withdraw from all distractions.
• I need to stand up for myself.
• Basically, the outcome is up to me, and I need to do what is necessary so I can have a clear mind and make a confident decision.

That same day I wrote down some Action Items for myself:

• Go visit Ken & Paula (my in-laws).
  
• Find my sanctuary in the wilderness near here.
• Follow through with a quiet, intentional withdrawal from all distractions. (NOT in the house - I have to be intentional with having purposeful introspection time.)
  
• Be clear and logical and explain what I want to Patrick.

While I'm not religious about Tarot cards, horoscopes, etc., I do think that sometimes we hear a needed message through a unique medium.

I keep forgetting to focus on the good things I got out of this experience. I still haven't retreated to the wilderness, though I have spent hours in the back yard, reading and watching the wind breathe through the blades of grass.

I keep spending too much time with other people, and not with my own intentional thoughts. I really need to stop doing this. I want to wake up each day, have a plan and a goal, and work productively toward being a better person that day.

So, that's my first experience with tarot cards. Not too shabby. :)

the voice of life, the voice of Being, of perpetual Becoming

I'm almost done with Women Who Love Too Much, and I think I will immediately read it again. This book has been amazing for me. Amazing enough to help me smile this morning when I was told how to do laundry...a smile, chuckle, and then, "you know, you can do your own damn laundry." Mmm...it felt good.

I'm also almost done with Siddhartha. I can see why this book is a favorite for some of my favorite authors. I can see how it has influenced their works, or at least aligned with their thought processes anyway.

"Often they sat together in the evening on the tree trunk by the river. They both listened silently to the water, which to them was not just water, but the voice of life, the voice of Being, of perpetual Becoming. And it sometimes happened that while listening to the river, they both thought the same thoughts, perhaps of a conversation of the previous day, or about on of the travelers whose fate and circumstances occupied their minds, or death, or their childhood; and when the river told them something good at the same moment, they looked at each other, both thinking the same thought, both happy at the same answer to the same question."

Herman Hesse, Siddartha p. 108

When I am able to have this quality of relationship with a person, I feel ridiculously blessed. I met a handful of people like this at Outback, getting to know them intimately while spending a week at a time in the wilderness. Oh, how I miss that job.

I dated a guy like that, too. I miss the nights we would sit outside, stare at the stars in silence and just be on the same page.

I want that.

The brief moments where the stars align and being is experienced lately have been wonderful. Very wonderful.

I'm excited about this stage of my journey. Good things are happening.

Hello

This is a picture I like of me, taken in January. I'm diggin' the red lips lately.

Daily Zen Highlights

There's a website called Daily Zen that I set to pop up every time I open my browser. The daily posts are always great, but a few have really struck me. I usually post them on my friend, Melanie's MySpace or Facebook account, since she's my zenny friend. I've decided I'm going to start posting them here, too.

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Growing older, I grow into the Tao
I make my home in southern mountains
and go there on a whim to wander alone.
But even in all this splendor, things remain empty.
I climb to the headwaters of the river
where clouds rise up from emptiness.
If I chance to meet another hermit in the woods,
we talk and laugh and never even think of home.

- Wang Wei

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Autumn mountains:
Brocades of light
The clouds:
Endless beauty
I lean on my staff,
Contemplate crimson leaves
Silent:
As the birds streaming above me.

- Shih-shu (17th century)

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We just sit in the midst of this contradiction where, although we aim, we can never perceive hitting the mark. We just sit in the midst of this contradiction that is absolutely ridiculous when we think about it with our small mind. In our zazen, it is precisely at the point where our small, foolish self remains unsatisfied, or completely bewildered, that immeasurable natural life beyond the thoughts of that self functions. It is precisely at the point where we become completely lost that life operates and the power of Buddha is actualized.

- Kosho Uchiyama (1912 -1999)

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Melanie and Me after a concert in 2006

New Years Eve report

Our New Years Eve turned out quite nice. Patrick and I went to my friend, Brinn's house and spent the evening with her and her man, Trevor, and their adorable little girl, Tinsley. We played a feisty game of Scrabble (that game never gets played peacefully), watched the ball drop in NYC on tv, exchanged a kiss (Patrick and me, that is), and ate a bunch of munchies. It was low key and a pleasant success. :)

A Couple of TALENTED Friends

Josh Steadman

One of Josh's pieces you'll find on his blog. This is beautiful.

Will Varner
Will's artwork is all copyrighted really well, so click on his name to check it out. He actually painted one of our old boss's wall in the backyard with a beautiful mural. He does great work. I particularly love the piece titled Peace.



I had the privilege of working with both of these guys at Outback Therapeutic Expeditions. Not only were they fabulous coworkers, talented in affecting teenagers' lives in a positive way, but they are both talented artists as well. Just click on their names to check out some of their great work!!

Elliot and Molly's adoption profile...please take a look

Please visit this site to see an amazing family
adopting through LDS family services

Getting the word out and increasing the exposure of their adoption profile is a great way to help Elliot and Molly on their journey to adoption. These are some of the best kind of people I know. Intelligent, funny, sincere, kind, loving, strong, giving, faithful, and loyal. I am blessed to know both of them.

Please take a minute to check out their profile and post a link on your blog to help spread the word. Thanks!!

Lotus Pillow

***The pictures from my phone were deleted for whatever reason,
so I uploaded this picture. Hopefully it stays. :)
It's not the greatest picture, but it gets the idea across. ***

My camera is still suffering from a major attitude problem, so I took pictures of my latest completed craft with my phone...I'll have to figure out how to edit these pictures. Until then, here are some side-ways shots of a pillow I made with my lotus flower embroidery for a friend's birthday. It turned out really cute!

I worked on it on Sunday at "craft day" with a few friends. I've got a great craft/project idea in mind to decorate our bedroom. I'm glad I found a group of crafty gals to hang out with!!

I just need to vent

I absolutely hate drama. I try to live a drama-free life, which sometimes creates drama. For example, there tends to be a lot of drama tied to my family. So my solution is to avoid the drama by avoiding the people. They get pissed.....and....more drama. And to be fair, drama is typically connected to having a vagina. Or occasionally to being gay. I can say that because I have a brother who is gay and a best friend who is gay, so no one get offended. Tonight at work there was way too much drama. It wears me out. So, sparing all the stupid details, my solution is to be polite to everyone, but selective about who I trust and who I call a friend. Because people like drama...especially when it is at others' expense.

The end. Ugh.