Monday, November 19, 2007

Almost December...

I can't help but wonder where the time has gone?!?! There are 35 days or so until Christmas. Supposedly I am to get married sometime in the next 35 days. Meanwhile, I'm working full time, preparing for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and trying to figure out what needs to heal internally for me to be able to ditch the fear of being married again. I know no relationship is perfect (a concept some people would argue), and I'm willing to deal with that. I just don't want to be a mother instead of a spouse, a housekeeper instead of a partner, or an ever-emptying vessel not receiving the resources it needs. And the heaviest question of all is...will these concerns be resolved before I get married? Or am I willing to commit and see how they iron out after the nuptials?? Relationships change after the "I do's" are spoken. At that point it is sooo easy to take anything for granted. It's a done deal, after all. I've been there and done that, and going through a divorce is a miserable process. It set me back in so many areas of my life. I wasn't prepared for it, strong enough to make it through it, and I barely believe that I am better for it. So where do I go from here?

I love him. Would I really be willing to do anything for him? Is he really willing to do anything for me? Could we put ourselves aside and be unified in each other? The answer is meaningless in words. Only action...consistent heartfelt action...could convince me.

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