Reflecting

Father's Day is this coming Sunday.

I had a good talk with my dad on the phone last week. My parents live in Phoenix, and I have lived in Utah for 8 years now. I miss living close to home...close to all my nephews and nieces, siblings, and my mom and dad.

My dad will always say how he wasn't a good father when we were young. I know he sincerely feels some regret about working too much and spending too little time with us kids. I understand his perspective. And yet, I see my perspective as one of his kids. :)




I love and adore my dad. When I think of him, I don't have any judgments about the time he spent working vs. the time he spent with us at home. I do remember him being at work a lot, but I also remember spending time with him at work. He is an architect, so I remember using different programs at his work to create things. There was one program where we could create different colored lines and make elaborate designs. I loved doing that. When I was 10 or so, I remember learning how to drive while we waited for him to come out of the office. Most of the time, we were a one car family, so we would pile into our van to pick him up from work. I got some good driving lessons sitting on my mom's lap and steering the van. I really enjoyed that. When I was in high school, in my geography class, we had to design a home using floorplans and making a scaled model. My dad was extremely helpful with this project! He helped us use one of the programs at work to design the home, and it was so amazing that we had a party cutting out and creating the model. Easy, breazy. And our project kicked major a$$! I also remember going on camping trips with my dad and my sister. One time, we were tailgate camping, and I remember being utterly amazed at how smart my dad is when he boiled eggs on a campfire using paper cups. Every time I have hiked the Grand Canyon, my dad has been there...all six times. I also remember being completely heartbroken over a guy and sitting on the couch, my head on my dad's shoulder, as I cried over the broken relationship. He is a man of few words, typically, though he is a professional lecturer when it comes to his children. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that my dad loves me, and always has.

So, today I have been reflecting on my dad and the role he has played in my life. I am so grateful to have a father figure that has been present from day one, and who cares enough to vocalize his love and concern for me. I know he has a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and that is an ever-present reminder for me.

I love my dad. :)

Bullet-point

When I put together a post on my blog, I typically have something specific to post. Tonight, I have far too many thoughts swimming around in my head, so I'll go ahead with a bullet-point of these thoughts.

1. I really love the music on Grey's Anatomy. I picked a couple of artists from the last episode and made a new Pandora station that is FABULOUS. And SUPER AWESOME. The main artist is The Xx.
2. I finally got a library card! I've lived in Utah for almost 8 years, and I have been without a library card the whole time. How sad is that?! So, I have the giddy "free-shopping" feeling of going to the library, browsing through books, CDs, and movies. I love it.
3. For Christmas, Patrick made me a Christmas Tree. It was a really busy holiday season, and money was tight, so I broke down in tears one day over not having a tree. I came home from work to a work of art on our wall. It was made of cut out wrapping paper with a string of lights pinned up and ornaments hanging off of the string of lights. Our star tree-topper was at the top. The rest of our Christmas decorations were all out on display as well. What a thoughtful gesture that was. I have a sweet husband.
4. I have an amazing job offer. I interview next week, and will hopefully find out shortly thereafter that I definitely have it. I'd say the job is 90% mine...the benefit of knowing the future boss. I am so very excited!
5. Patrick and I visited my family in January. The weather was amazing, and it was a really good time. Probably one of the best visits in the last few years!
6. My parents, sis, and sis's boyfriend came to visit earlier this month. That was also a nice visit. We girls went with Patrick's mom to Time Out For Women. It was an amazing two days. The first night, Jenny Oaks Baker played several songs on her violin. I cried when she played the Suite from Far and Away. Wow, it was amazing. It made me want to pick up my violin and start playing again. I miss my violin.
7. I got a calling in December to be the Relief Society Music Director. I've thoroughly enjoyed selecting hymns that go with the topic being taught in Relief Society each week. It's so amazing how music can really bring the spirit into a room!
8. Last week I got another calling to be a Visiting Teaching District Leader. I'm hoping it helps hold me accountable to do my own visiting teaching. :)
9. Patrick got a promotion at his job. Better pay, better hours, and a more enjoyable position. We're both excited about all of the betters.
10. I am chomping on the bit to start a family. Patrick is thrilled, too. We just need to get a few ducks in a row, and it'll be baby-time. I'm less scared/excited and more anxious/excited, which I think is a good thing.
11. I think I am a pretty nice person. Not a pushover-nice, but genuine-nice. I've had a couple experiences in the last couple months where I have been told otherwise. Both occasions were from people who are unhappy with themselves, and I truly believe that I was not being a rude, insensitive jerk. The lesson learned: I am capable of being happy and kind regardless of how I am treated. It's a choice. MY choice. And I will always choose happiness and kindness first. It'll be perceived however it's perceived...

Okay, my brain is now empty and Patrick just got home from work. Snuggle time. :)

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I just wanted to quickly express my thanks for the many blessings I have been given.

I am so blessed to have a great husband who loves me and supports me. I think I appreciate this blessing so much more than I otherwise would, because once upon a time I had a husband who did not support me, and I question whether or not he truly loved me. So, Patrick, thank you so much for being such a loving, patient, and forgiving husband. :) You are truly amazing.

I am very grateful for my wonderful family. I love my parents and my siblings, their spouses, and my beautiful nephews and nieces. All of my in-laws, too! I missed sharing this holiday with my family (especially mom's baking...Rolls to Die For), though I am also very blessed to have great friends who invited Patrick and me to their home for the feast. The rolls weren't my mom's, but they were still tasty. The turkey dressed in bacon and then baked was soooooo good!!

Which leads me to my friends. Great friends are one of life's most precious treasures. And I have a sack full of treasures!

I am grateful that I chose to take part in being an Independent Beauty Consultant with Mary Kay back in May of 2006. I cannot explain what a blessing this has been in my life. I have met so many people and found amazing mentors who have influenced my life for the good. The extra income is great, but I have to be honest - the life changes have been priceless. I anxiously anticipate the good things to come in my life through this great opportunity!

I am eternally thankful for my testimony of God's love for me. Boy have I been a screwed up person, and thank goodness Jesus Christ has made it possible for me to move beyond the screwed up version of me. :) I find so much peace knowing that all things are possible when God is involved, including becoming a better person. Just like with family...I cannot thoroughly put into words how blessed I am because of this knowledge. :)

I am grateful for the beautiful home we live in, our 3 kitties who make me so happy, and the food on our table. I live a good life. And it is all due to God's hand. Thank you!

Now I am going to go eat some more pie. (I'll post recipes for the Rolls to Die For and Pumpkin Cheesecake Pie soon! They are divine!!)

Fall Back by Obadiah Parker

I love it when I'm listening to my Ipod and I hear a "new" song that hits home. Here's the lyrics to this one:

Fall Back

I swear that I’ve been here before, on this same couch with this
Same disregard.
Baby, this is where darkness lives, and it’ll catch you off your guard.
I hope you can believe there’s more to me than what you see,
And that we have no business here even though you don’t agree.

Until we fall back onto the great I am
We’ll use up all we got, our love we will exhaust.
Until we learn to trust in the God of Abraham
And give up what we got, all will be lost.

Something here is wrong, I can hear it in your voice,
But crying at home by yourself is your method of choice.
Over the phone, just a couple miles away, is right where I belong.
Do you think that you were happier before I came along?

Until we fall back onto the great I Am
We’ll use up all we got, our love we will exhaust.
Until we learn to trust in the God of Abraham
And give up what we got, all will be lost.

I want to love you well; I want to do this right.
During the day it’s so easy but it gets hard at night.
I hope you can believe that I can’t go on at this rate;
Something’s gotta change, I just hope it’s not too late

Until we fall back onto the great I Am
We’ll burn up all we got, our love we will exhaust.
Until we learn to trust in the God of Abraham
And give up what we got, all will be lost.

What’cha gonna do with your love?
What’cha gonna let go of?
It’s time to make your choice right now.

What’cha gonna do about this?
You know it’s never just one kiss.
Don’t lie to me, don’t lie to yourself.

I feel like everything is wrong.

On a Positive Note...

I need to have more positive notes.

Have you heard of Dr. Wayne Dyer? I first heard of him around 4-5 years ago (really? that long ago??) when I worked at Outback Therapeutic Expeditions. I got my hands on his CD lecture, The Power of Intention. I listened to the 6 CD's over and over and over. At the time, I had a 30 minute commute each way to work, so it was a great time to listen and ponder what I was hearing. Whenever I was listening to that collection, my life felt so much more focused. I felt at peace. I felt hope. These are totally different feeling words than I used in my last post. :)

Yesterday I was doing some cleaning and Dr. Wayne Dyer was on PBS promoting his newest lecture and books. This one is called Excuses Begone! The book was published this May, so the PBS special was excerpts from a lecture he gave, and they were raising money for PBS by selling his books and CD's. It was a great program. The little bit that I heard was TOTALLY what I needed to hear. He talked about the 18 most commonly used excuses that all of us use way too frequently when we settle for less.

• I Can't Afford It
• It's Going to be Risky
• It Will Take a Long Time
• I'm too Busy
• It Will be Difficult
• There Will be Family Drama
• I Don't Deserve It
• It's Not My Nature
• No One Will Help Me
• It Has Never Happened Before
• I'm Not Strong Enough
• I'm Not Smart Enough
• I'm Too Old (or Not Old Enough)
• The Rules Won't Let Me
• It's Too Big
• I Don't Have the Energy
• It's My Personal Family History
• I'm Too Scared

I really want to get the book and CD collection and really take the time to quit using these excuses in my life (including my current frustrating situation).

I believe that our thoughts dictate the direction and the quality of our experience in this world. I just need to put that belief into practice, so it becomes concrete knowledge. A great place for me to start is with how I think about myself and about Patrick, though I really do feel that focusing on myself is the true starting point.

Oh, I have so much work to do...


P.S. Daily Inspiration from Dr. Wayne Dyer!

P. P. S. Sorry no pictures. I need to start loving my camera again. I know I actually take time to look at and read posts when there's at least one picture. I'm such a hypocrite! ;)

A day late

Yesterday was an odd day for me. For several reasons:

1) Patrick's mom stopped by after her flight landed in SLC. She had been visiting her sister in California. I love seeing Jana and talking with her. I don't think I was prepared to tell her Happy Mother's Day or anything, though. I know it's not hard to say the words, but my whole day felt very off, so I couldn't put the heart behind the words. And Patrick may or may not have told her Happy Mother's Day, and if he did, it was probably minimized as much as possible. So, if I put forth a stronger message of love and appreciation than her own son....it's just weird. And it would be fine if he didn't get so bugged when I do communicate my love and appreciation for his mom.

***WHY do husbands think that their wife has to adopt their feelings toward their family??? I experienced this with my ex-husband, too, and it is DAMN annoying!

2) I didn't even call my own mom. How crappy is that? I didn't do it intentionally. I forgot. Like I said, yesterday wasn't the greatest, and I was consumed in my own frustrations and self-pity. Not good, but that's where I was. I will certainly call the little lady this morning and apologize profusely. (I'm a crappy daughter sometimes.)

3) I have been at a crossroad in my life, metaphorically speaking, that is, for quite some time. I am SICK of it! Yesterday was one of those days that just rubbed my nose in the fact that my life is okay, mediocre, average, and ordinary. And that just sucks. My life isn't meant to be those things. It is meant to be remarkable, extraordinary, meaningful, focused, driven, successful, loving, cherished, and blessed. The only thing between where it is now and where it should be, unfortunately, is ME. *sigh*

4) We're moving this month. This is great and all, but moving is stressful for me, and right now, I need to be focusing on other things. Reality bites. I'm going to be the whip cracker to get this done (aka getting Patrick to go through his shit). This role wears me out. And while I'm excited for this new home, I'm a little worried. Patrick's friend, Chris, is moving in with us. He's a great guy, and I like him a lot. Patrick swears that Chris is a clean person, but Patrick thinks that he is a clean person. I don't want another adult man to pick up after. Is that too much to ask? And for some reason, I can't figure out how to get Patrick to get things done without turning into a naggy, angry, bitter, resentful bitch. That is so not me! Can't we all just look around and pitch in every day????? Is that too much to ask???? And I'm hoping that having another person around won't be a strain on our already strained relationship. I guess we'll just see how it goes.

5) The best part of my day was watching last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy while I put laundry away. I love that show. Quite naturally, I cried. It sucks that Izzie is going to die (most likely, anyway), but I suppose Katherine Heigl asked for it. What a great show. It at least made the "love" part of my heart a little warm. Thank goodness tv fills in for the inadequacies of real life, eh? :)

Okay, I realize this post is really negative, pessimistic, and a load of crappy venting. But guess what? It had to be done. It's out, and I feel a little bit better. Like I told my mom when we were in Arizona at the beginning of the month, "All I can do is my best. I can't predict the outcome of anything, so in the meantime, I take care of myself, and do my very best." So, it's time I start doing it.

Thank Goodness

Thank goodness Patrick loves me enough to love me regardless of and as I work through my problems. Thank goodness I love Patrick enough to love him through his problems too.

This is one of the clips from the last episode of Grey's Anatomy. It wasn't the pivitol point of the episode or the biggest tear jerker for me, but still, a meaningful moment that reminded me of the importance of compassion and empathy.

Grey's Anatomy has put out 3 phenomenal episodes in a row with some serious tear jerking moments. The issues surrounding the death row patient and Meredith's compassion for him spurred a little ethics discussion in my head. I'm realizing more and more that the world is not black and white, and I find myself identifying with Meredith's choices in the last couple episodes.

I'm still digesting the last couple episodes and trying to process it all. Wow. Just wow.

(And I'm supposed to be doing homework right now.) :)

General Conference Thoughts

I was doing my daily blog reading and a friend of mine, Jon, was posting his notes on the morning session of the LDS General Conference. His notes are on his blog Pitching In and Catching On. I think it's great that Jon took the time to log the highlights of the talks given.

So, I found myself inspired to tune into Conference. I LOVE modern technology. As a child, we would watch Conference on tv at home, and usually get dressed and watch the Sunday morning session at church via satellite transmission. Now, you can watch Conference live on the internet. That is amazing and wonderful.

I'm not the best at making sure I watch all of Conference, but I do make an effort to listen to or watch what I can. And the bits and pieces I see or hear always move me.

One of my fond memories of Conference is watching my dad and brothers get ready on Saturday evening and go to the Priesthood Session at 7pm. They had a tradition of going to the session together and going out for dessert afterward. As a teenager, it seemed like such a sacrifice for my brothers to miss out on a fun and exciting weekend night to do something churchy, but I realize now, as an adult, what a great opportunity it was for them.

I savor every occasion I had and will ever have to spend time with my dad, especially when those occasions include something where we can be united in our faith and knowledge that we are an eternal family. Now that my dad is older, and a grandfather, he is so much more open about sharing his love for the gospel and Jesus Christ with us. He did share it when we were younger, too, but I'm sure his perspective of eternal families is so much more rich and comprehensive with such a beautiful growing family.

My parents, Jack and Lola, December 2007

My dad is becoming more and more like his dad, my grandpa Mecham. Years ago, at a family gathering, we were all over at the church playing volleyball, and my grandpa sat down next to me, watching everyone play. In that room sat my grandpa, my dad and his siblings, their children, and their children. Four generations of such a beautiful and wonderful family playing volleyball together. I asked my grandpa what it was like, to see his posterity all gathered together in one room. He got teary-eyed and expressed the great love he has for all of us and his great desire for each and every family member to live a righteous life and to be an eternal family. Seeing my cute old grandpa tear up with love for his family and legacy quite obviously made me tear up. I'll never forget that moment. I love him dearly.

So, opportunities to be reminded of my family, our values, and my great love for it all are always welcome. Here's one little quote from Conference that I liked:

Faith, hope, and charity lead us to abound in good works.

I hope to always live a life that includes good works. I truly believe that when it's all boiled down, that is what matters...being unselfish and doing what we can to bless the lives of others. That's when we are blessed the most.

Happy Birthday to Me!

My birthday was yesterday, and it was a great day. So great that it's still going. For some dumb reason, I'm still up at 3 am Stumbling through the internet and watching YouTube videos of Santogold. I'm lovin' her music!



So, here's how my Birthday went:

Patrick started his new job today as a Pool Technician, so around or just before 8 am, he kissed me goodbye and told me to enjoy my birthday of sleeping in. Oh, he knows me so so so well. :) So, I went back to sleep after telling him I love him and to call and let me know how his day is going.

At 9:30, Patrick wakes me up. I was so confused, because he was supposed to be at work, yet he was carrying a tray with a plate full of fresh strawberry & blueberry pancakes, bacon, hash browns, eggs, and soy milk...and let's not forget the beautiful peachy colored roses in a vase! It took a minute for my sleepy mind to realize he didn't work at all and had "gone to work" making breakfast for me. What a sweetheart. I can't believe the bacon smell didn't wake me up. I love the smell of bacon.

So, after filling my belly and appropriately thanking Patrick for breakfast, I got up and lounged for a bit then went outside and got dirty. My plants were in desperate need of being repotted. The soil was all crusty, and their roots were circling the bottom of the pots. So, I played with my plants and made my front porch all tidy and welcoming.

Then I showered and got ready for the day. I met my friends Shay, Tia, and Dustin at a nearby restaurant, Mazza, where a friend of ours, Nicole, is a server. We had a lovely lunch...their food is soooooo good!!! I ate entirely too much. Thank goodness it's my birthday, as calories do not count!

After I got home from lunch, Patrick and I went to Ace Hardware. Patrick in that store is like me in a gift shop, bookstore, Mary Kay catalog, shoe store, etc. ...pretty much drooling over every damn thing. It was adorable, really. We got some hardware to hang up some shelves in our kitchen. So, we went home and did that. I am so grateful that I married a handyman. It's a life saver! I arranged stuff in the kitchen and moved some other items downstairs. We're still getting things moved around after holding a Yard Sale, so someday I'll have a cozy home that's not cluttered with cardboard boxes. :)

We decided we wanted to see a movie, so we had a difficult time narrowing it down to what movie we would see. We decided on Wanted.

Lissy, Patrick's sister, stopped by and brought me a birthday cake! How sweet!!! We showed her our new kick ass kitchen table that we got at an antique shop on Saturday, then showed her and her husband, Dan, Patrick's Model A body that he finally brought home and set on the frame.

(Good grief, I have a LOT of pictures to take!)

Around 9:30, we left to go see the movie. It was great...a lot of blood and language...a great story and "lesson" to the plot.

We got home a little after midnight, Patrick went to bed, I started watering the lawn, and got on the internet...3 hours later, here I am. Still enjoying the "do nothing loveliness" of my birthday. :)

I was crafty today!!!

I've been wanting to put up a "Love Ribbon" for awhile now. I found a great vibrant orange ribbon that matched the decor we're shooting for in our living room, bought some medium sized clothes pins, painted them a vibrant blue, and made some fabric pinwheels from fabric my sister-in-law gave me for Christmas (Thank you Ashlee!!!), and topped it off with some cute yellow and red buttons. I put it up over the entrance into the dining room, and I am so extremely pleased! Here are some photos:


I really think it adds good energy to our home to have love notes up on the wall. I love it. And, it feels good to have a crafty day!!!

P.S. Thanks Jana, for helping me paint the clothes pins!!!!! I love you!!!

New Years Affirmations

Rather than write down New Year Resolutions, I'd like to focus on affirmations instead...

I am a beautiful daughter of God.
I am blessed with many talents and love to share those talents with others.
I am a valued part of my families...in my marriage, my immediate and extended families, and Patrick's family.
I am a healthy and active woman.
I am a dedicated worker.
I make regular efforts to be a more spiritual and kind individual.
I create peace and happiness all around me and especially within myself.
I enjoy all of life's moments, appreciating the lessons life provides for me to learn.

Mr. and Mrs. Largin......Shotgun Style :)

Here is my lovely fairy tale...



Once upon a time there lived a lovely couple, Patrick and Alison. They had been engaged for just over 5 months and wedding plans were a topic of frequent discussion. Several ideas were considered, but alas, to their frustration, none were panning out.

A couple days before their planned trip to Phoenix for Christmas, the two lovebirds decided to wed during the trip. First they thought of Mesquite, NV. Alison called the casinos there to see what wedding options there were... The wedding planner at one chain of casinos would be out of town until after the first of the year. The wedding planner at another was helpful, but they didn't have the low-scale options that the couple were looking for. She gave Alison a phone number to call a guy who could marry them at his home. This wasn't an ideal option either. Next, Patrick called places in Laughlin, NV and found similar disappointing results.

That evening after work, Alison was at a coworker's birthday celebration. Several people had heard that the couple was planning to wed the next day, and Alison shared the disappointments in trying to plan a small ceremony. Just then, Carl, another coworker, piped in that he was an ordained minister and would love to perform the ceremony for them! Alison called Patrick and they immediately started planning.

The next evening, Saturday, December 22nd, Patrick and Alison and a small group of close friends went to the Thaifoon restaurant in Salt Lake City and were married by Carl. It was a beautiful and simple ceremony, and a first for the restaurant! :) Here are some pictures of the ceremony:


Alison and Patrick waiting for the elevator at The Gateway.


Patrick, Carl, and Alison at the very beginning of the ceremony.



Just married!!! Our first kiss as husband and wife. :)


Just before our celebratory toast. :) What a cute couple!


Our wedding cake. Shay and Tia got them for us...with such short notice they had to split "Congratulations Alison + Patrick" onto two cakes. :)


We couldn't be happier to finally be married! We're excited about going into 2008 united in marriage and living a life full of blessings and love. Thanks to everyone, especially Carl, who helped us pull this together. We are blessed with so many wonderful people in our lives.

The End

***UPDATE 1/9/08***
I didn't realize that "Shotgun Wedding" implies that the bride is pregnant. :) No, I am not pregnant. It was a quick elope-style wedding rather than a Shotgun wedding. Hopefully babies are in the near future, though!!!

It's Official!!!

Patrick and I are MARRIED!!! I'll post more pictures and the story later...just wanted to get this cute picture on here. :)

Seriously

Why do relationships have to be so difficult? I know "The Secret" would say that I am bringing this on myself by focusing my energy on the difficult side of relationships. I partly agree. And the other side of me thinks that even if I focused on how "perfectly" everything is going, I'd still be dealing with the same old aggravating shit. I really have no idea if I will be married this year. At this point, I almost don't care. I'm back at the stage of "waiting a little longer to make sure it's absolutely what we want to do." I know I'm a pain in the ass, and so is every man out there... it's all about patience, love, and compromise. Ugh...rock and hard spot. With a soft squishy warm cuddly heart in there too...I wouldn't be here if that wasn't part of the equation. Duh.

P.S.

The reason we're waiting for snow is that it'll be much prettier than the dead fall setting. :)

Let it Snow!!!

AAAAgggghhhhhh!!!! It's snowing!!!!!! :) Patrick and I were waiting for the snow to get married! :) I'm so excited. We're going to go shopping for a vintage dress and we're getting our marriage license tomorrow. :) (All smileys here...) :) I am so freaking excited to be married to Patrick!!!!!!

Marzipan

I love marzipan, especially in dark chocolate.


mmmmmmmm

I love Cummings chocolate!!!

Almost December...

I can't help but wonder where the time has gone?!?! There are 35 days or so until Christmas. Supposedly I am to get married sometime in the next 35 days. Meanwhile, I'm working full time, preparing for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and trying to figure out what needs to heal internally for me to be able to ditch the fear of being married again. I know no relationship is perfect (a concept some people would argue), and I'm willing to deal with that. I just don't want to be a mother instead of a spouse, a housekeeper instead of a partner, or an ever-emptying vessel not receiving the resources it needs. And the heaviest question of all is...will these concerns be resolved before I get married? Or am I willing to commit and see how they iron out after the nuptials?? Relationships change after the "I do's" are spoken. At that point it is sooo easy to take anything for granted. It's a done deal, after all. I've been there and done that, and going through a divorce is a miserable process. It set me back in so many areas of my life. I wasn't prepared for it, strong enough to make it through it, and I barely believe that I am better for it. So where do I go from here?

I love him. Would I really be willing to do anything for him? Is he really willing to do anything for me? Could we put ourselves aside and be unified in each other? The answer is meaningless in words. Only action...consistent heartfelt action...could convince me.