Friday, August 14, 2009
And you will never be bound.
A single disturbed thought, though,
Creates ten thousand distractions.
Let myriad things captivate you
And you'll go further and further astray.
How painful to see people
All wrapped up in themselves.
A LOT has happened in the last 5 days. A LOT. I haven't taken the time to blog about it, because it's going to take a lot of thought, accountability, and time. :) Just know that things are 100% better, and I'm excited about the future.
Anticipation is great, huh???!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
"Faith implies a certain trust, even a reliance, upon the word of our Creator. If you should have doubting thoughts, remember the counsel given by President Stephen L. Richards, a former counselor in the First Presidency, who declared: “Just say to those skeptical, disturbing, rebellious thoughts, ‘I propose to stay with my faith, with the faith of my people. I know that happiness and contentment are there and I forbid you, agnostic, doubting thoughts, to destroy the house of my faith. I acknowledge that I do not understand the processes of creation, but I accept the fact of it. I grant that I cannot explain the miracles of the Bible, and I do not attempt to do so, but I accept God’s word. I wasn’t with Joseph, but I believe him. My faith did not come to me through science and I will not permit science to destroy it."
--President Thomas S. Monson, "Great Expectations", CES Fireside January 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I don't know if I posted about my friend, Jillian, reading my Tarot cards, but I want to write down some of my thoughts from the reading.
It was on July 3rd, two days before Patrick initiated the conversation about the future of our marriage. I was working a double at work that day, and I was so excited for my break between shifts. As I was getting ready to wander for a couple hours, Jillian, a hostess at the restaurant, asked me if I would like her to read my cards during our break. I figured, why not? I'll read my horoscope once in a while for kicks. I have nothing to lose, and I might hear something comforting or insightful. And, it'll be fun and a first for me.
So, we went over to Barnes & Noble, sat at a table at the cafe, and went to town.
It would take too long to describe the layout she uses, every card that was drawn, the story about each card, and the meaning, as well as how it relates to my life, but let me tell you, it was FREAKING AMAZING. (The first card was The Lovers.) Even Jillian, who has done this a LOT, was completely blown away by how direct and applicable all of the cards were to the question I had, which was: What do I do about my marriage?
Here are some of the highlights:
- My inner balance is off and I need to restore it.
- I need to be kind to myself.
- I need to control my anxiety.
- A quiet retreat, sanctuary, or strategic withdrawal, where I can be alone with my thoughts will be very beneficial to me right now.
- I need to quit faking "calm" and show my true feelings.
- Nature is important to me. (the best place for me to find sanctuary)
- The relationship I want is characterized by mutual affinity and union, clear, true, supportive, comforting, with room for passions to grow. There is potential for this in my existing relationship.
- I should not re-enter social activities until satisfied that I have resumed contact with a personal value system.
- I need to withdraw from all distractions.
- I need to stand up for myself.
- Basically, the outcome is up to me, and I need to do what is necessary so I can have a clear mind and make a confident decision.
- Go visit Ken & Paula (my in-laws).
- Find my sanctuary in the wilderness near here.
- Follow through with a quiet, intentional withdrawal from all distractions. (NOT in the house - I have to be intentional with having purposeful introspection time.)
- Be clear and logical and explain what I want to Patrick.
I keep forgetting to focus on the good things I got out of this experience. I still haven't retreated to the wilderness, though I have spent hours in the back yard, reading and watching the wind breathe through the blades of grass.
I keep spending too much time with other people, and not with my own intentional thoughts. I really need to stop doing this. I want to wake up each day, have a plan and a goal, and work productively toward being a better person that day.
So, that's my first experience with tarot cards. Not too shabby. :)
The list is up to 18 things right now. It's actually a little bit difficult to come up with 30 things off the top of my head! The list is on the bottom of the sidebar on the right side of my blog. It will stay there for the year. As I work on these things and accomplish them, I will blog about it.
Now, what should I do first???
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I feel so angry right now. I'm supposed to get in touch with my emotions and really allow myself to feel. Well, I don't know what to do with anger. It wants to turn into tears, but I just want to let it burn in my heart for a few. Why am I so angry? I know the "why," but I don't know why I decided to let the emotion come out of it. Self preservation?
Things I would like to say, but I'm too scared or feel like it's not very nice of me:
You can rationalize the hell out of your choices, but when it comes down to it, we are all filthy.
You are no better than any person out there. At all.
Talk to me that way again, and this journey will turn into a one-way ticket to hell.
Don't come back.
I miss my numb self that would just blow this off.
At the same time, I don't miss her at all.
Monday, August 3, 2009
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
I wish I had the balls to put that on my voicemail. :)