Keep your heart clear and transparent And you will never be bound. A single disturbed thought, though, Creates ten thousand distractions. Let myriad things captivate you And you'll go further and further astray. How painful to see people All wrapped up in themselves. - Ryokan
A LOT has happened in the last 5 days. A LOT. I haven't taken the time to blog about it, because it's going to take a lot of thought, accountability, and time. :) Just know that things are 100% better, and I'm excited about the future.
I'm almost done with Women Who Love Too Much, and I think I will immediately read it again. This book has been amazing for me. Amazing enough to help me smile this morning when I was told how to do laundry...a smile, chuckle, and then, "you know, you can do your own damn laundry." Mmm...it felt good.
I'm also almost done with Siddhartha. I can see why this book is a favorite for some of my favorite authors. I can see how it has influenced their works, or at least aligned with their thought processes anyway.
"Often they sat together in the evening on the tree trunk by the river. They both listened silently to the water, which to them was not just water, but the voice of life, the voice of Being, of perpetual Becoming. And it sometimes happened that while listening to the river, they both thought the same thoughts, perhaps of a conversation of the previous day, or about on of the travelers whose fate and circumstances occupied their minds, or death, or their childhood; and when the river told them something good at the same moment, they looked at each other, both thinking the same thought, both happy at the same answer to the same question."
Herman Hesse, Siddartha p. 108
When I am able to have this quality of relationship with a person, I feel ridiculously blessed. I met a handful of people like this at Outback, getting to know them intimately while spending a week at a time in the wilderness. Oh, how I miss that job.
I dated a guy like that, too. I miss the nights we would sit outside, stare at the stars in silence and just be on the same page.
I want that.
The brief moments where the stars align and being is experienced lately have been wonderful. Very wonderful.
I'm excited about this stage of my journey. Good things are happening.
Something unique about me - when I need to hear or read something, it appears. This need isn't a temporal need; it is not a religious need; it is a spiritual need. And it comes in various forms: a smile, an old book, a phone call, a picture, an email, a video, etc.
Anyway, this video is just what I needed to hear right now.
I think I know what I am going to do with this relationship, but doubt still fills my mind. I want to make the right decisions. I suppose I should go consult the man upstairs. :)
A side note: My friend, Brinn, lent me her copy of Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. Talk about a mind-blowing book. I am a woman who loves too much, and I'm excited to finish this book and learn how to stop this negative and unhealthy pattern in my life. I HIGHLY recommend this book to every single woman out there. You will learn something that you can apply to yourself or that will help you be a supportive friend for your friends who are stuck in codependent relationships. What a great book.
I turn 30 tomorrow, and I am very excited about the possibilities of the future. I'm grateful that I am able to continue learning and growing and becoming the woman God intends me to be!
Have you heard of Dr. Wayne Dyer? I first heard of him around 4-5 years ago (really? that long ago??) when I worked at Outback Therapeutic Expeditions. I got my hands on his CD lecture, The Power of Intention. I listened to the 6 CD's over and over and over. At the time, I had a 30 minute commute each way to work, so it was a great time to listen and ponder what I was hearing. Whenever I was listening to that collection, my life felt so much more focused. I felt at peace. I felt hope. These are totally different feeling words than I used in my last post. :)
Yesterday I was doing some cleaning and Dr. Wayne Dyer was on PBS promoting his newest lecture and books. This one is called Excuses Begone! The book was published this May, so the PBS special was excerpts from a lecture he gave, and they were raising money for PBS by selling his books and CD's. It was a great program. The little bit that I heard was TOTALLY what I needed to hear. He talked about the 18 most commonly used excuses that all of us use way too frequently when we settle for less.
I Can't Afford It
It's Going to be Risky
It Will Take a Long Time
I'm too Busy
It Will be Difficult
There Will be Family Drama
I Don't Deserve It
It's Not My Nature
No One Will Help Me
It Has Never Happened Before
I'm Not Strong Enough
I'm Not Smart Enough
I'm Too Old (or Not Old Enough)
The Rules Won't Let Me
It's Too Big
I Don't Have the Energy
It's My Personal Family History
I'm Too Scared
I really want to get the book and CD collection and really take the time to quit using these excuses in my life (including my current frustrating situation).
I believe that our thoughts dictate the direction and the quality of our experience in this world. I just need to put that belief into practice, so it becomes concrete knowledge. A great place for me to start is with how I think about myself and about Patrick, though I really do feel that focusing on myself is the true starting point.
P. P. S. Sorry no pictures. I need to start loving my camera again. I know I actually take time to look at and read posts when there's at least one picture. I'm such a hypocrite! ;)
Thank goodness Patrick loves me enough to love me regardless of and as I work through my problems. Thank goodness I love Patrick enough to love him through his problems too.
This is one of the clips from the last episode of Grey's Anatomy. It wasn't the pivitol point of the episode or the biggest tear jerker for me, but still, a meaningful moment that reminded me of the importance of compassion and empathy.
Grey's Anatomy has put out 3 phenomenal episodes in a row with some serious tear jerking moments. The issues surrounding the death row patient and Meredith's compassion for him spurred a little ethics discussion in my head. I'm realizing more and more that the world is not black and white, and I find myself identifying with Meredith's choices in the last couple episodes.
I'm still digesting the last couple episodes and trying to process it all. Wow. Just wow.
(And I'm supposed to be doing homework right now.) :)
If you love Paulo Coehlo, too, or don't know who he is (aka...have yet to fall in love with him!), check out his blog. It's a newsletter sort-of format where he shares insights and little stories. There's more information about him as well. Here's a link that will take you to an especially insightful article that has made me consider breaking the "norm."
Have you seen any great movies? How about your top list of amazing movies? One movie that is on my list of "WOW Movies" is "Uncorked." This little clip is from near the very end of the movie and has a guitar solo that I think is pretty sweet.
Seriously, this is a great movie to see. It's a tough one to find, though. Only one of all the Hollywood Video stores in all of Utah county had it. I was able to get it through Blockbuster Online so my hubby could see it a year ago. Unfortunately, it's not really on sale anywhere, and anywhere that is selling it has the price marked up super high.
Anyway, what I love about this movie is that it tells a story of a man who wants a certain life so badly...riches, comfort, etc. The way he is pursuing these desires, though, is a dead end. Through the insight of his eccentric uncle, life is given new clarity and new meaning.
I really relate to the man's resistance to the natural path. It's a challenge when you really think or feel that life is going to unfold a certain way, and (as we all probably know by now) at what seems the most inopportune moment, it all comes crumbling down. We are left confused, disparaged, disheartened, and wondering what to do.
In all that chaos, something beautiful is simultaneously developing. The moment where a choice can be made, new direction taken, and forward momentum created. Whether it is a movie, book, new acquaintace, etc., I absolutely thrive on anything which has subject matter gravitating around this concept.
I am currently reading "As a Man Thinketh" by James Allen. It was recommended to me by someone I hardly know yet highly respect. The copy I purchased is titled "As a Woman Thinketh," and it is exactly the same other than using "woman," "she," "her," etc. instead of "he," "man," "his," etc. I've been questioned a couple times by different people as to how necessary it is to change from male to female pronouns, and at this point, I'm sticking to enjoying being a woman and reading a book that has been redirected toward women. (that was a total side-tanjent)
As a Man/Woman Thinketh talks about how these circumstances in life are the "equitable outworking of her evolving, yet unevolved self." WOW...seriously, WOW!!!! Life experiences are the result of our innermost thoughts. They are also opportunities for us to learn and reroute ourselves onto a higher path. And, the same circumstances/experiences will continue to resurface over and over again until we do learn the lesson and make the appropriate changes. WOW! I feel like I always knew this, but conveniently denied knowing it. It was in my head only, not where it matters most...in my heart.
One of my favorite quotes from this book nails personal accountability right on the head:
"Woman is buffetted by circumstances so long as she believes herself to be the creature of outside conditions, but when she realizes that she is a creative power, and that she may command the hidden soil and seeds of her being out of which circumstaces grow, she then becomes the rightful master of herself."
So, I'm totally in deep thought about "life's purpose" and deciding how I am going to change my thoughts so I can achieve my life's purpose. Movies, books, discussions....bring it on. I love this stuff!
"You Don't Know Me" by Ben Folds featuring Regina Spektor is my new favorite song. It combines two artists that I love into one really great song. (push play!)
I love the lyrics:
I wanna ask you - Do you ever sit and wonder, It's so strange That we could be together for So long, and never know, never care What goes on in the other one's head? Things I've felt but I've never said You said things that I never said So I'll say something that I should have said long ago: (You don't know me) You don't know me at all (You don't know me) You don't know me at all (at all) You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me (paint me) Any face that you wanted me To be seen. We're Damned by the existential moment where We saw the couple in the coma and It was we were the cliché, But we carried on anyway. So, sure, I could just close my eyes. Yeah, sure, trace and memorize, But can you go back once you know
(You don't know me) You don't know me at all (You don't know me) You don't know me at all (at all) (You don't know me) You don't know me at all (You don't know me) You don't know me If I'm the person that you think I am (Ah ah ahh) Clueless chump you seem to think I am (Ah ah ahhh) So easily led astray, An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then Why the f*%& would you want me back?!
Maybe it's because
(You don't know me at all)
Ahhh ah Ahhh ah (You don't know me, you don't know me.) Ahhh ah Ahhh ah So, what I'm trying to say is What (What?) I'm trying to tell you It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you'll only change it. (Say it.) (You don't know me) You don't know me at all (You don't know me) You don't know me at all (at all) (You don't know me) You don't know me at all (You don't know me) You don't know me at all (at all) What? (Mmmm, ohh oh Ah ah ah ah ah Aha ah ah ah Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Aha ah Ah ah Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah Oh-oh-oh-oh oh ohh)
Now, I know the song is kind of depressing, but seriously, anyone who has been in a serious relationship for a chunk of time knows that you do get to a point where you're just wondering what the hell is going on anymore. It's not the end of the world...it's just a point where you have to get your own worlds back on course to where they collide into each other again.
I can really relate to this song right now. I see both myself and my hubby in the lyrics. The frustration, the wondering, and the desire to stick it out and get to know each other all over again. Yesterday was our 8 month anniversary, and even in that short amount of time, I know there's room to grow closer...to be better individuals...to be a better couple. In my humble opinion and in my limited experience, the key to having a successful relationship is selflessness. If there is any selfishness, a wedge is put in place, and you end up feeling alienated and/or hopeless. The kicker here (as I'm processing what I'm typing...) is that I am and have been really selfish. Ugh. I love and hate realizations about myself.
Now, I have no idea if Patrick feels this way too, or if it's just me. I do know this is a LOT of self-disclosure for a blog. This is my "journal," though, so it is what it is.
I found this video on another blog today. I have so much respect for Dr. Randy Pausch who is giving the lecture. The video is 10 minutes long, but so worth every second of your time!
Wasn't that awesome?!?!
Here's what I got from the video:
~ I need to start dreaming like a child again ~ My life needs to be LIVED...every day ~ I have been sooooooooooo incredibly selfish lately. I know this because I've been a lazy ass.
Laziness = selfishness
~ I can't predict the future, what's going to happen in my life, or how much time I have left. Therefore, I need to take action on each moment I have and be grateful for the multitude of opportunities to be a greater person living a more fulfilling life. ~ I need to express GRATITUDE more often....and really mean it via feeling it ~ Daily Affirmations need to be part of my life...I need to visualize my dreams
So, I'm ready to go to work. Instead of just thinking about being a mommy, I need to actively prepare myself physically, emotionally, financially, etc. Instead of thinking about how successful I could be in Mary Kay, I need to work and put in the effort that will reap the rewards. I need to look inward and strengthen who I am. I need to get to know my spiritual side again. It won't surface if I don't invite it and nurture it.
I just wanted to write down some thoughts I'm having...
I watched the morning session of General Conference today (yesterday, technically), and it was a really great session. Thomas S. Monson makes a great president and prophet. :) The two words that stuck with me the strongest from the whole session were by President Monson, "Come back." It resonated and still resonates in my heart and mind.
I love Spring. I love Easter, especially the meaning of the holiday. I'm reminded of the Atonement and how much Christ loves me. It's the time of year when I always feel like starting over, beginning again, resolving to do a little better.
The stagnant feeling I've had for so long is getting old...and stinky. I have so many dreams, hopes, plans, and beliefs about my potential. Why am I choosing to NOT tap into that positive energy and potential?? I need to let go of the burdens and beliefs that are holding me back. I know there is a greater me, not to mention a greater us with Patrick and me. I really don't want to have the pattern of stagnancy become as permanent as it did with the old ex. It becomes comfortable, then uncomfortable, yet a deep pit that is incredibly difficult to escape. With the ex I felt resentful that I had to be the pioneer in foraging our spiritual ground. What I didn't realize, and what I desperately need to remember is that I'm foraging my own spiritual ground. That's what matters most. Patrick will do the same as he is ready, and his readiness is not mine to own. It is solely his. So I guess what I'm saying is that I acknowledge my ownership and accountability for where I stand spiritually...in the past, here in the present, and in the future. No more blaming, no more hiding, no more waiting.
I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me. And I love Him.
My new mentality and thought process for life is that it is easy to do the right thing. It makes my life run smoother, increases my happiness, and brings me closer to my Savior and loved ones. It is easy to do the right thing. It is easy to do the right thing.
This is a huge paradigm shift for me. Those who know me really well know that I make things a lot more complicated than needed. I have a belief about myself that I learn things the hard way, and I'm a stronger person because of it. I'm just starting to grasp how unhealthy it is for me to carry that belief. Life doesn't have to be hard. I know it's bound to be hard now and again, but if I carry the belief that it WILL be hard, and a desire for it to be hard...to justify why I think I'm such a "strong" woman...then OF COURSE I'M GOING TO FIND, IF NOT CREATE, DIFFICULT SITUATIONS.
Also, rather than thinking of all the things I need to do, I need to think of what I'm willing to do. Little bites at a time...what am I willing to do? Then do it. And, I need to find my WHY...my truly passionate WHY.
That's enough for now...gotta go clean the kitty litter. :) THAT is one thing that I am willing to do.
