What I've been up to as of late...

I shared some personal thoughts on our family blog tonight.

For the rest of the update on current life events, I have been house sitting for my sister and her husband for the last couple weeks while they are out of the country enjoying a fantastic vacation and a wedding.  I brought my daughter with me, of course, and we are taking care of their 2 dogs and 2 cats.  It's been a WONDERFUL break from the heat that was already encompassing life in Phoenix.  I look at the forecast and compare Phoenix to Newport, Oregon frequently and smile as I set the heater here to 68 degrees.

The 2 dogs are beautiful black Russian terriers.  They require a lot of activity to keep them and me sane, and it has been a lot of fun to get out and go on hikes with them.  I throw Lola into her carrier on my back, and I am sure it's an interesting sight to see me hauling a baby and hanging onto the leashes attached to 2 big dogs.  I love when I can let them off leash...they wear each other out.  I really enjoy hiking along the coast on sunny days and in the wilderness on cloudy days.

In a couple weeks I will be back in Salt Lake City.  I really miss Utah.  It became my home.  After a visit there, I will head back to Phoenix and find a part-time job.  I am and am not looking forward to this. :)  I am looking forward to getting in a position to find an apartment or home to rent and to have our family together in our own little space.

Patrick is living in Salt Lake City right now, working diligently on getting some projects finished up in his shop and getting packed up to move his business to Phoenix.  It has taken longer than we expected, and it has been really hard to be apart for so long.  Long distance marriage is tough.  I miss our daily routine and sleeping so contently next to him.  We pray continually that things will go well for him and he will be able to join us as soon as possible.

I have been busy being a mom to the most amazing little girl in my world.  I can't believe she is 21 months old.  I see her legs getting longer and more lean, as well as her arms, and I just get a little sad that my baby is growing into a little child.  I love this stage we are in, though it exhausts me.  She is so alert and smart and has such a fun personality.  She's getting into her independent stage where anything I hand her is no good...she's got to get it for herself.  I make sure to breathe deeply and allow messes to happen for the sake of memories and her learning process being fulfilled.  Sometimes I want to just bite her cheeks, she's so cute!

I've also been crocheting a bit and keeping my creative juices flowing.  It's a nice outlet.  I made the beanie she's wearing in that last picture.  Not too shabby for my first beanie with flowers!

Anyway, life is stressful for sure.  But it is always so deliciously good.

Bullet-point

When I put together a post on my blog, I typically have something specific to post. Tonight, I have far too many thoughts swimming around in my head, so I'll go ahead with a bullet-point of these thoughts.

1. I really love the music on Grey's Anatomy. I picked a couple of artists from the last episode and made a new Pandora station that is FABULOUS. And SUPER AWESOME. The main artist is The Xx.
2. I finally got a library card! I've lived in Utah for almost 8 years, and I have been without a library card the whole time. How sad is that?! So, I have the giddy "free-shopping" feeling of going to the library, browsing through books, CDs, and movies. I love it.
3. For Christmas, Patrick made me a Christmas Tree. It was a really busy holiday season, and money was tight, so I broke down in tears one day over not having a tree. I came home from work to a work of art on our wall. It was made of cut out wrapping paper with a string of lights pinned up and ornaments hanging off of the string of lights. Our star tree-topper was at the top. The rest of our Christmas decorations were all out on display as well. What a thoughtful gesture that was. I have a sweet husband.
4. I have an amazing job offer. I interview next week, and will hopefully find out shortly thereafter that I definitely have it. I'd say the job is 90% mine...the benefit of knowing the future boss. I am so very excited!
5. Patrick and I visited my family in January. The weather was amazing, and it was a really good time. Probably one of the best visits in the last few years!
6. My parents, sis, and sis's boyfriend came to visit earlier this month. That was also a nice visit. We girls went with Patrick's mom to Time Out For Women. It was an amazing two days. The first night, Jenny Oaks Baker played several songs on her violin. I cried when she played the Suite from Far and Away. Wow, it was amazing. It made me want to pick up my violin and start playing again. I miss my violin.
7. I got a calling in December to be the Relief Society Music Director. I've thoroughly enjoyed selecting hymns that go with the topic being taught in Relief Society each week. It's so amazing how music can really bring the spirit into a room!
8. Last week I got another calling to be a Visiting Teaching District Leader. I'm hoping it helps hold me accountable to do my own visiting teaching. :)
9. Patrick got a promotion at his job. Better pay, better hours, and a more enjoyable position. We're both excited about all of the betters.
10. I am chomping on the bit to start a family. Patrick is thrilled, too. We just need to get a few ducks in a row, and it'll be baby-time. I'm less scared/excited and more anxious/excited, which I think is a good thing.
11. I think I am a pretty nice person. Not a pushover-nice, but genuine-nice. I've had a couple experiences in the last couple months where I have been told otherwise. Both occasions were from people who are unhappy with themselves, and I truly believe that I was not being a rude, insensitive jerk. The lesson learned: I am capable of being happy and kind regardless of how I am treated. It's a choice. MY choice. And I will always choose happiness and kindness first. It'll be perceived however it's perceived...

Okay, my brain is now empty and Patrick just got home from work. Snuggle time. :)

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I just wanted to quickly express my thanks for the many blessings I have been given.

I am so blessed to have a great husband who loves me and supports me. I think I appreciate this blessing so much more than I otherwise would, because once upon a time I had a husband who did not support me, and I question whether or not he truly loved me. So, Patrick, thank you so much for being such a loving, patient, and forgiving husband. :) You are truly amazing.

I am very grateful for my wonderful family. I love my parents and my siblings, their spouses, and my beautiful nephews and nieces. All of my in-laws, too! I missed sharing this holiday with my family (especially mom's baking...Rolls to Die For), though I am also very blessed to have great friends who invited Patrick and me to their home for the feast. The rolls weren't my mom's, but they were still tasty. The turkey dressed in bacon and then baked was soooooo good!!

Which leads me to my friends. Great friends are one of life's most precious treasures. And I have a sack full of treasures!

I am grateful that I chose to take part in being an Independent Beauty Consultant with Mary Kay back in May of 2006. I cannot explain what a blessing this has been in my life. I have met so many people and found amazing mentors who have influenced my life for the good. The extra income is great, but I have to be honest - the life changes have been priceless. I anxiously anticipate the good things to come in my life through this great opportunity!

I am eternally thankful for my testimony of God's love for me. Boy have I been a screwed up person, and thank goodness Jesus Christ has made it possible for me to move beyond the screwed up version of me. :) I find so much peace knowing that all things are possible when God is involved, including becoming a better person. Just like with family...I cannot thoroughly put into words how blessed I am because of this knowledge. :)

I am grateful for the beautiful home we live in, our 3 kitties who make me so happy, and the food on our table. I live a good life. And it is all due to God's hand. Thank you!

Now I am going to go eat some more pie. (I'll post recipes for the Rolls to Die For and Pumpkin Cheesecake Pie soon! They are divine!!)

Heart and Zen

Keep your heart clear and transparent
And you will never be bound.
A single disturbed thought, though,
Creates ten thousand distractions.
Let myriad things captivate you
And you'll go further and further astray.
How painful to see people
All wrapped up in themselves.


- Ryokan



A LOT has happened in the last 5 days. A LOT. I haven't taken the time to blog about it, because it's going to take a lot of thought, accountability, and time. :) Just know that things are 100% better, and I'm excited about the future.

Anticipation is great, huh???!

The Lovers

I don't know if I posted about my friend, Jillian, reading my Tarot cards, but I want to write down some of my thoughts from the reading.

It was on July 3rd, two days before Patrick initiated the conversation about the future of our marriage. I was working a double at work that day, and I was so excited for my break between shifts. As I was getting ready to wander for a couple hours, Jillian, a hostess at the restaurant, asked me if I would like her to read my cards during our break. I figured, why not? I'll read my horoscope once in a while for kicks. I have nothing to lose, and I might hear something comforting or insightful. And, it'll be fun and a first for me.

So, we went over to Barnes & Noble, sat at a table at the cafe, and went to town.

It would take too long to describe the layout she uses, every card that was drawn, the story about each card, and the meaning, as well as how it relates to my life, but let me tell you, it was FREAKING AMAZING. (The first card was The Lovers.) Even Jillian, who has done this a LOT, was completely blown away by how direct and applicable all of the cards were to the question I had, which was: What do I do about my marriage?

Here are some of the highlights:

• My inner balance is off and I need to restore it.
• I need to be kind to myself.
• I need to control my anxiety.
• A quiet retreat, sanctuary, or strategic withdrawal, where I can be alone with my thoughts will be very beneficial to me right now.
• I need to quit faking "calm" and show my true feelings.
• Nature is important to me. (the best place for me to find sanctuary)
• The relationship I want is characterized by mutual affinity and union, clear, true, supportive, comforting, with room for passions to grow. There is potential for this in my existing relationship.
• I should not re-enter social activities until satisfied that I have resumed contact with a personal value system.
• I need to withdraw from all distractions.
• I need to stand up for myself.
• Basically, the outcome is up to me, and I need to do what is necessary so I can have a clear mind and make a confident decision.

That same day I wrote down some Action Items for myself:

• Go visit Ken & Paula (my in-laws).
  
• Find my sanctuary in the wilderness near here.
• Follow through with a quiet, intentional withdrawal from all distractions. (NOT in the house - I have to be intentional with having purposeful introspection time.)
  
• Be clear and logical and explain what I want to Patrick.

While I'm not religious about Tarot cards, horoscopes, etc., I do think that sometimes we hear a needed message through a unique medium.

I keep forgetting to focus on the good things I got out of this experience. I still haven't retreated to the wilderness, though I have spent hours in the back yard, reading and watching the wind breathe through the blades of grass.

I keep spending too much time with other people, and not with my own intentional thoughts. I really need to stop doing this. I want to wake up each day, have a plan and a goal, and work productively toward being a better person that day.

So, that's my first experience with tarot cards. Not too shabby. :)

the voice of life, the voice of Being, of perpetual Becoming

I'm almost done with Women Who Love Too Much, and I think I will immediately read it again. This book has been amazing for me. Amazing enough to help me smile this morning when I was told how to do laundry...a smile, chuckle, and then, "you know, you can do your own damn laundry." Mmm...it felt good.

I'm also almost done with Siddhartha. I can see why this book is a favorite for some of my favorite authors. I can see how it has influenced their works, or at least aligned with their thought processes anyway.

"Often they sat together in the evening on the tree trunk by the river. They both listened silently to the water, which to them was not just water, but the voice of life, the voice of Being, of perpetual Becoming. And it sometimes happened that while listening to the river, they both thought the same thoughts, perhaps of a conversation of the previous day, or about on of the travelers whose fate and circumstances occupied their minds, or death, or their childhood; and when the river told them something good at the same moment, they looked at each other, both thinking the same thought, both happy at the same answer to the same question."

Herman Hesse, Siddartha p. 108

When I am able to have this quality of relationship with a person, I feel ridiculously blessed. I met a handful of people like this at Outback, getting to know them intimately while spending a week at a time in the wilderness. Oh, how I miss that job.

I dated a guy like that, too. I miss the nights we would sit outside, stare at the stars in silence and just be on the same page.

I want that.

The brief moments where the stars align and being is experienced lately have been wonderful. Very wonderful.

I'm excited about this stage of my journey. Good things are happening.

Marriage & Divorce

Just when I needed to hear it:



Something unique about me - when I need to hear or read something, it appears. This need isn't a temporal need; it is not a religious need; it is a spiritual need. And it comes in various forms: a smile, an old book, a phone call, a picture, an email, a video, etc.

Anyway, this video is just what I needed to hear right now.

I think I know what I am going to do with this relationship, but doubt still fills my mind. I want to make the right decisions. I suppose I should go consult the man upstairs. :)


A side note: My friend, Brinn, lent me her copy of Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. Talk about a mind-blowing book. I am a woman who loves too much, and I'm excited to finish this book and learn how to stop this negative and unhealthy pattern in my life. I HIGHLY recommend this book to every single woman out there. You will learn something that you can apply to yourself or that will help you be a supportive friend for your friends who are stuck in codependent relationships. What a great book.



I turn 30 tomorrow, and I am very excited about the possibilities of the future. I'm grateful that I am able to continue learning and growing and becoming the woman God intends me to be!

Fall Back by Obadiah Parker

I love it when I'm listening to my Ipod and I hear a "new" song that hits home. Here's the lyrics to this one:

Fall Back

I swear that I’ve been here before, on this same couch with this
Same disregard.
Baby, this is where darkness lives, and it’ll catch you off your guard.
I hope you can believe there’s more to me than what you see,
And that we have no business here even though you don’t agree.

Until we fall back onto the great I am
We’ll use up all we got, our love we will exhaust.
Until we learn to trust in the God of Abraham
And give up what we got, all will be lost.

Something here is wrong, I can hear it in your voice,
But crying at home by yourself is your method of choice.
Over the phone, just a couple miles away, is right where I belong.
Do you think that you were happier before I came along?

Until we fall back onto the great I Am
We’ll use up all we got, our love we will exhaust.
Until we learn to trust in the God of Abraham
And give up what we got, all will be lost.

I want to love you well; I want to do this right.
During the day it’s so easy but it gets hard at night.
I hope you can believe that I can’t go on at this rate;
Something’s gotta change, I just hope it’s not too late

Until we fall back onto the great I Am
We’ll burn up all we got, our love we will exhaust.
Until we learn to trust in the God of Abraham
And give up what we got, all will be lost.

What’cha gonna do with your love?
What’cha gonna let go of?
It’s time to make your choice right now.

What’cha gonna do about this?
You know it’s never just one kiss.
Don’t lie to me, don’t lie to yourself.

I feel like everything is wrong.

Use Your Words

Have you heard a mom say that to their little kid when they are whining or otherwise ineffectively communicating? I've heard a LOT of mom's say that. And I anticipate saying that to my kids as well.

I feel like saying that to myself and to my husband lately.

Why is it that when something is going wrong in a relationship, it is far easier to give the silent treatment rather than to communicate the issue and resolve it quickly?

Grunts and two word answers do not count as communicating.

And remaining silent instead of expressing myself does not count either.

I feel like if I were to use my words, it wouldn't be pretty. Perhaps that is how he also feels.

It has been a quiet day. Very quiet.

On a Positive Note...

I need to have more positive notes.

Have you heard of Dr. Wayne Dyer? I first heard of him around 4-5 years ago (really? that long ago??) when I worked at Outback Therapeutic Expeditions. I got my hands on his CD lecture, The Power of Intention. I listened to the 6 CD's over and over and over. At the time, I had a 30 minute commute each way to work, so it was a great time to listen and ponder what I was hearing. Whenever I was listening to that collection, my life felt so much more focused. I felt at peace. I felt hope. These are totally different feeling words than I used in my last post. :)

Yesterday I was doing some cleaning and Dr. Wayne Dyer was on PBS promoting his newest lecture and books. This one is called Excuses Begone! The book was published this May, so the PBS special was excerpts from a lecture he gave, and they were raising money for PBS by selling his books and CD's. It was a great program. The little bit that I heard was TOTALLY what I needed to hear. He talked about the 18 most commonly used excuses that all of us use way too frequently when we settle for less.

• I Can't Afford It
• It's Going to be Risky
• It Will Take a Long Time
• I'm too Busy
• It Will be Difficult
• There Will be Family Drama
• I Don't Deserve It
• It's Not My Nature
• No One Will Help Me
• It Has Never Happened Before
• I'm Not Strong Enough
• I'm Not Smart Enough
• I'm Too Old (or Not Old Enough)
• The Rules Won't Let Me
• It's Too Big
• I Don't Have the Energy
• It's My Personal Family History
• I'm Too Scared

I really want to get the book and CD collection and really take the time to quit using these excuses in my life (including my current frustrating situation).

I believe that our thoughts dictate the direction and the quality of our experience in this world. I just need to put that belief into practice, so it becomes concrete knowledge. A great place for me to start is with how I think about myself and about Patrick, though I really do feel that focusing on myself is the true starting point.

Oh, I have so much work to do...


P.S. Daily Inspiration from Dr. Wayne Dyer!

P. P. S. Sorry no pictures. I need to start loving my camera again. I know I actually take time to look at and read posts when there's at least one picture. I'm such a hypocrite! ;)

I just don't know what to do with myself...

You know that song with that line in the lyrics? I don't remember what the rest of the song was about, but that line is popping into my head.

Sometimes I can't get too specifically personal on my blog, which drives me nuts. There are things I would like to say and put into words to help me process my thoughts, but I'm afraid of people reading it and jumping straight to their own assumptions.

Hell, who cares.

My marriage is still pretty rough. I'm at the point where I honestly don't know if this is going to work, or if I think it is even supposed to work. I'm tired of having conversations about what needs to happen, followed by very little (if any) action. I'm tired of being the belittled and berated scapegoat. I'm tired of being judged by someone who is not innocent. I'm tired of not feeling like I'm as amazing as I really am.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

Thank Goodness

Thank goodness Patrick loves me enough to love me regardless of and as I work through my problems. Thank goodness I love Patrick enough to love him through his problems too.

This is one of the clips from the last episode of Grey's Anatomy. It wasn't the pivitol point of the episode or the biggest tear jerker for me, but still, a meaningful moment that reminded me of the importance of compassion and empathy.

Grey's Anatomy has put out 3 phenomenal episodes in a row with some serious tear jerking moments. The issues surrounding the death row patient and Meredith's compassion for him spurred a little ethics discussion in my head. I'm realizing more and more that the world is not black and white, and I find myself identifying with Meredith's choices in the last couple episodes.

I'm still digesting the last couple episodes and trying to process it all. Wow. Just wow.

(And I'm supposed to be doing homework right now.) :)

Family Photo

It's pretty rare for us to have any pictures around with both of us in them, especially those taken by other people. So, on Christmas Day, I had Patrick's sister take a picture for/of us. I think we make a pretty cute couple.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!!!

New Favorite Song

"You Don't Know Me" by Ben Folds featuring Regina Spektor is my new favorite song. It combines two artists that I love into one really great song. (push play!)



I love the lyrics:

I wanna ask you -
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It's so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one's head?

Things I've felt but I've never said
You said things that I never said
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin
Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me (paint me)
Any face that you wanted me
To be seen.
We're
Damned by the existential moment where
We saw the couple in the coma and
It was we were the cliché,
But we carried on anyway.

So, sure, I could just close my eyes.
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,
But can you go back once you know

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me

If I'm the person that you think I am (Ah ah ahh)
Clueless chump you seem to think I am (Ah ah ahhh)
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the f*%& would you want me back?!

Maybe it's because

(You don't know me at all)

Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

(You don't know me,
you don't know me.)

Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

So, what I'm trying to say is
What (What?)
I'm trying to tell you
It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you'll only change it.
(Say it.)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

What?

(Mmmm, ohh oh
Ah ah ah ah ah
Aha ah ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Aha ah
Ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh oh ohh)


Now, I know the song is kind of depressing, but seriously, anyone who has been in a serious relationship for a chunk of time knows that you do get to a point where you're just wondering what the hell is going on anymore. It's not the end of the world...it's just a point where you have to get your own worlds back on course to where they collide into each other again.

I can really relate to this song right now. I see both myself and my hubby in the lyrics. The frustration, the wondering, and the desire to stick it out and get to know each other all over again. Yesterday was our 8 month anniversary, and even in that short amount of time, I know there's room to grow closer...to be better individuals...to be a better couple. In my humble opinion and in my limited experience, the key to having a successful relationship is selflessness. If there is any selfishness, a wedge is put in place, and you end up feeling alienated and/or hopeless. The kicker here (as I'm processing what I'm typing...) is that I am and have been really selfish. Ugh. I love and hate realizations about myself.

Now, I have no idea if Patrick feels this way too, or if it's just me. I do know this is a LOT of self-disclosure for a blog. This is my "journal," though, so it is what it is.

Thoughts

I just wanted to write down some thoughts I'm having...

I watched the morning session of General Conference today (yesterday, technically), and it was a really great session. Thomas S. Monson makes a great president and prophet. :) The two words that stuck with me the strongest from the whole session were by President Monson, "Come back." It resonated and still resonates in my heart and mind.

I love Spring. I love Easter, especially the meaning of the holiday. I'm reminded of the Atonement and how much Christ loves me. It's the time of year when I always feel like starting over, beginning again, resolving to do a little better.

The stagnant feeling I've had for so long is getting old...and stinky. I have so many dreams, hopes, plans, and beliefs about my potential. Why am I choosing to NOT tap into that positive energy and potential?? I need to let go of the burdens and beliefs that are holding me back. I know there is a greater me, not to mention a greater us with Patrick and me. I really don't want to have the pattern of stagnancy become as permanent as it did with the old ex. It becomes comfortable, then uncomfortable, yet a deep pit that is incredibly difficult to escape. With the ex I felt resentful that I had to be the pioneer in foraging our spiritual ground. What I didn't realize, and what I desperately need to remember is that I'm foraging my own spiritual ground. That's what matters most. Patrick will do the same as he is ready, and his readiness is not mine to own. It is solely his. So I guess what I'm saying is that I acknowledge my ownership and accountability for where I stand spiritually...in the past, here in the present, and in the future. No more blaming, no more hiding, no more waiting.

I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me. And I love Him.

Mr. and Mrs. Largin......Shotgun Style :)

Here is my lovely fairy tale...



Once upon a time there lived a lovely couple, Patrick and Alison. They had been engaged for just over 5 months and wedding plans were a topic of frequent discussion. Several ideas were considered, but alas, to their frustration, none were panning out.

A couple days before their planned trip to Phoenix for Christmas, the two lovebirds decided to wed during the trip. First they thought of Mesquite, NV. Alison called the casinos there to see what wedding options there were... The wedding planner at one chain of casinos would be out of town until after the first of the year. The wedding planner at another was helpful, but they didn't have the low-scale options that the couple were looking for. She gave Alison a phone number to call a guy who could marry them at his home. This wasn't an ideal option either. Next, Patrick called places in Laughlin, NV and found similar disappointing results.

That evening after work, Alison was at a coworker's birthday celebration. Several people had heard that the couple was planning to wed the next day, and Alison shared the disappointments in trying to plan a small ceremony. Just then, Carl, another coworker, piped in that he was an ordained minister and would love to perform the ceremony for them! Alison called Patrick and they immediately started planning.

The next evening, Saturday, December 22nd, Patrick and Alison and a small group of close friends went to the Thaifoon restaurant in Salt Lake City and were married by Carl. It was a beautiful and simple ceremony, and a first for the restaurant! :) Here are some pictures of the ceremony:


Alison and Patrick waiting for the elevator at The Gateway.


Patrick, Carl, and Alison at the very beginning of the ceremony.



Just married!!! Our first kiss as husband and wife. :)


Just before our celebratory toast. :) What a cute couple!


Our wedding cake. Shay and Tia got them for us...with such short notice they had to split "Congratulations Alison + Patrick" onto two cakes. :)


We couldn't be happier to finally be married! We're excited about going into 2008 united in marriage and living a life full of blessings and love. Thanks to everyone, especially Carl, who helped us pull this together. We are blessed with so many wonderful people in our lives.

The End

***UPDATE 1/9/08***
I didn't realize that "Shotgun Wedding" implies that the bride is pregnant. :) No, I am not pregnant. It was a quick elope-style wedding rather than a Shotgun wedding. Hopefully babies are in the near future, though!!!

It's Official!!!

Patrick and I are MARRIED!!! I'll post more pictures and the story later...just wanted to get this cute picture on here. :)

P.S.

The reason we're waiting for snow is that it'll be much prettier than the dead fall setting. :)

Let it Snow!!!

AAAAgggghhhhhh!!!! It's snowing!!!!!! :) Patrick and I were waiting for the snow to get married! :) I'm so excited. We're going to go shopping for a vintage dress and we're getting our marriage license tomorrow. :) (All smileys here...) :) I am so freaking excited to be married to Patrick!!!!!!

Almost December...

I can't help but wonder where the time has gone?!?! There are 35 days or so until Christmas. Supposedly I am to get married sometime in the next 35 days. Meanwhile, I'm working full time, preparing for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and trying to figure out what needs to heal internally for me to be able to ditch the fear of being married again. I know no relationship is perfect (a concept some people would argue), and I'm willing to deal with that. I just don't want to be a mother instead of a spouse, a housekeeper instead of a partner, or an ever-emptying vessel not receiving the resources it needs. And the heaviest question of all is...will these concerns be resolved before I get married? Or am I willing to commit and see how they iron out after the nuptials?? Relationships change after the "I do's" are spoken. At that point it is sooo easy to take anything for granted. It's a done deal, after all. I've been there and done that, and going through a divorce is a miserable process. It set me back in so many areas of my life. I wasn't prepared for it, strong enough to make it through it, and I barely believe that I am better for it. So where do I go from here?

I love him. Would I really be willing to do anything for him? Is he really willing to do anything for me? Could we put ourselves aside and be unified in each other? The answer is meaningless in words. Only action...consistent heartfelt action...could convince me.