Look to the Light

Ahhh, I already had my good cry for today. :) This video is amazing and has reminded me to keep my perspective in check when I feel like things aren't going so well.



Things are going quite well in life, though there are the days, here and there, that test my resolve. I have a lot of great things to post about this holiday season and what a sweet husband I have, so I will be posting again soon.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and were able to spend some time with family and cherish those relationships that have blessed your lives. I'm grateful that Patrick and I were able to do so. :)

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I just wanted to quickly express my thanks for the many blessings I have been given.

I am so blessed to have a great husband who loves me and supports me. I think I appreciate this blessing so much more than I otherwise would, because once upon a time I had a husband who did not support me, and I question whether or not he truly loved me. So, Patrick, thank you so much for being such a loving, patient, and forgiving husband. :) You are truly amazing.

I am very grateful for my wonderful family. I love my parents and my siblings, their spouses, and my beautiful nephews and nieces. All of my in-laws, too! I missed sharing this holiday with my family (especially mom's baking...Rolls to Die For), though I am also very blessed to have great friends who invited Patrick and me to their home for the feast. The rolls weren't my mom's, but they were still tasty. The turkey dressed in bacon and then baked was soooooo good!!

Which leads me to my friends. Great friends are one of life's most precious treasures. And I have a sack full of treasures!

I am grateful that I chose to take part in being an Independent Beauty Consultant with Mary Kay back in May of 2006. I cannot explain what a blessing this has been in my life. I have met so many people and found amazing mentors who have influenced my life for the good. The extra income is great, but I have to be honest - the life changes have been priceless. I anxiously anticipate the good things to come in my life through this great opportunity!

I am eternally thankful for my testimony of God's love for me. Boy have I been a screwed up person, and thank goodness Jesus Christ has made it possible for me to move beyond the screwed up version of me. :) I find so much peace knowing that all things are possible when God is involved, including becoming a better person. Just like with family...I cannot thoroughly put into words how blessed I am because of this knowledge. :)

I am grateful for the beautiful home we live in, our 3 kitties who make me so happy, and the food on our table. I live a good life. And it is all due to God's hand. Thank you!

Now I am going to go eat some more pie. (I'll post recipes for the Rolls to Die For and Pumpkin Cheesecake Pie soon! They are divine!!)

Good idea:

I should embroider this on my pillowcase. :)

"There are worse things than looking stupid.
Sleeping through life is one of them."

- Laura Preble

And I should just start going to bed earlier.

Am I the only one who finds it incredibly difficult to get to bed by 11pm, and near impossible to get to bed by 10pm?? And quite unpleasant to be up before 8am?

Photo from Lunch Without Ed

I heart Mary Kay

I just wanted to share one of the Mary Kay commercials that has been on TV. I seriously LOVE these products, and even more...I love that I don't look my age! :)

Feel free to contact me to try these great products or get anything that you need!

Alison Largin
www.marykay.com/alargin
alargin@marykay.com

P.S. Check out the awesome Holiday and Limited-Edition products on my website. Sooooo great!!!

What a great song!

Click here to listen!


Michael Jackson
"Man In The Mirror"

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That's Why I Want You To
Know

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change)
(Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah)

I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish
Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No
Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,
Pretending That They're Not
Alone?

A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
(Washed-Out Dream)
They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place
To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With
Me
(Starting With Me!)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Ooh!)
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change His
Ways
(Change His Ways-Ooh!)
And No Message Could've
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .)
Change!

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror,
(Man In The Mirror-Oh
Yeah!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make The Change)
(You Gotta Get It Right, While
You Got The Time)
('Cause When You Close Your
Heart)
You Can't Close Your . . .Your
Mind!
(Then You Close Your . . .
Mind!)
That Man, That Man, That
Man, That Man
With That Man In The Mirror
(Man In The Mirror, Oh Yeah!)
That Man, That Man, That Man
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
You Know . . .That Man
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Oh Yeah!)
Gonna Feel Real Good Now!
Yeah Yeah! Yeah Yeah!
Yeah Yeah!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Ooooh . . .)
Oh No, No No . . .
I'm Gonna Make A Change
It's Gonna Feel Real Good!
Come On!
(Change . . .)
Just Lift Yourself
You Know
You've Got To Stop It.
Yourself!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
I've Got To Make That Change,
Today!
Hoo!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Got To
You Got To Not Let Yourself . . .
Brother . . .
Hoo!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
You Know-I've Got To Get
That Man, That Man . . .
(Man In The Mirror)
You've Got To
You've Got To Move! Come
On! Come On!
You Got To . . .
Stand Up! Stand Up!
Stand Up!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Stand Up And Lift
Yourself, Now!
(Man In The Mirror)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Aaow!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Gonna Make That Change . . .
Come On!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know . . .
(Change . . .)
Make That Change.



This song is my current mantra! I am excited to change and grow for the better, and when the growing pains seem too much to bear, I'll just listen to this beautiful song and refocus. :)

Hello again!

Wow, I have really fallen off the blogging wagon! My mind has obviously been elsewhere for the last couple months, which has been a really good thing. I think I'm ready to get back into the blogging world now that My world is a lot more stable.

During my break, I did make a little bag/tote one day. The craft bug has been biting me pretty hard lately. Deciding what to do can be a challenge. Here's how the bag turned out:



I used fabric I had on hand for the bag and to line the support piece inside, and I used fabric I had pieced together previously for the strap. Not my favorite color scheme, but I just needed to make something.


Here's the inside. I cut out a piece of cardboard and covered it with fabric using a glue gun. Totally brought me back to my teenage years when I covered a lot of notebooks with batting and fabric and made all sorts of pretty notebooks. Perhaps that is when my love/infatuation with notebooks and binders began...


And here is the bottom of the bag. I used a plastic bag from Z Gallerie as the template, and it turned out pretty good. I think I'll use this bag to hold my current embroidery projects and embroidery supplies.



I also stitched a Jack-O-Lantern face on a fabric pumpkin that I stitched years and years ago and finally put stuffing in a few weeks ago. I still need to find a cute twig to put in as the stem, then pull and seal it shut. I unfortunately stitched the face too low, but it's cute to look at, anyway. (I'll try to remember to take a picture!)


My crafty efforts lately correspond with a quote I recently heard:

Imperfect action is better than perfect inaction.

~Deanna Spillman

So, I'll take my imperfect crafts over no crafts at all. :)

Heart and Zen

Keep your heart clear and transparent
And you will never be bound.
A single disturbed thought, though,
Creates ten thousand distractions.
Let myriad things captivate you
And you'll go further and further astray.
How painful to see people
All wrapped up in themselves.


- Ryokan



A LOT has happened in the last 5 days. A LOT. I haven't taken the time to blog about it, because it's going to take a lot of thought, accountability, and time. :) Just know that things are 100% better, and I'm excited about the future.

Anticipation is great, huh???!

Faith

"Faith implies a certain trust, even a reliance, upon the word of our Creator. If you should have doubting thoughts, remember the counsel given by President Stephen L. Richards, a former counselor in the First Presidency, who declared: “Just say to those skeptical, disturbing, rebellious thoughts, ‘I propose to stay with my faith, with the faith of my people. I know that happiness and contentment are there and I forbid you, agnostic, doubting thoughts, to destroy the house of my faith. I acknowledge that I do not understand the processes of creation, but I accept the fact of it. I grant that I cannot explain the miracles of the Bible, and I do not attempt to do so, but I accept God’s word. I wasn’t with Joseph, but I believe him. My faith did not come to me through science and I will not permit science to destroy it."

--President Thomas S. Monson, "Great Expectations", CES Fireside January 2009

Random Thoughts from the Zoo: It's Friday!

Super Cute Apron Giveaway!!!

Hey, just wanted to share this giveaway with you all...Random Thoughts from the Zoo is giving away a super cute black and white damask apron she made. Check it out and enter, will ya?!

The Lovers

I don't know if I posted about my friend, Jillian, reading my Tarot cards, but I want to write down some of my thoughts from the reading.

It was on July 3rd, two days before Patrick initiated the conversation about the future of our marriage. I was working a double at work that day, and I was so excited for my break between shifts. As I was getting ready to wander for a couple hours, Jillian, a hostess at the restaurant, asked me if I would like her to read my cards during our break. I figured, why not? I'll read my horoscope once in a while for kicks. I have nothing to lose, and I might hear something comforting or insightful. And, it'll be fun and a first for me.

So, we went over to Barnes & Noble, sat at a table at the cafe, and went to town.

It would take too long to describe the layout she uses, every card that was drawn, the story about each card, and the meaning, as well as how it relates to my life, but let me tell you, it was FREAKING AMAZING. (The first card was The Lovers.) Even Jillian, who has done this a LOT, was completely blown away by how direct and applicable all of the cards were to the question I had, which was: What do I do about my marriage?

Here are some of the highlights:

• My inner balance is off and I need to restore it.
• I need to be kind to myself.
• I need to control my anxiety.
• A quiet retreat, sanctuary, or strategic withdrawal, where I can be alone with my thoughts will be very beneficial to me right now.
• I need to quit faking "calm" and show my true feelings.
• Nature is important to me. (the best place for me to find sanctuary)
• The relationship I want is characterized by mutual affinity and union, clear, true, supportive, comforting, with room for passions to grow. There is potential for this in my existing relationship.
• I should not re-enter social activities until satisfied that I have resumed contact with a personal value system.
• I need to withdraw from all distractions.
• I need to stand up for myself.
• Basically, the outcome is up to me, and I need to do what is necessary so I can have a clear mind and make a confident decision.

That same day I wrote down some Action Items for myself:

• Go visit Ken & Paula (my in-laws).
  
• Find my sanctuary in the wilderness near here.
• Follow through with a quiet, intentional withdrawal from all distractions. (NOT in the house - I have to be intentional with having purposeful introspection time.)
  
• Be clear and logical and explain what I want to Patrick.

While I'm not religious about Tarot cards, horoscopes, etc., I do think that sometimes we hear a needed message through a unique medium.

I keep forgetting to focus on the good things I got out of this experience. I still haven't retreated to the wilderness, though I have spent hours in the back yard, reading and watching the wind breathe through the blades of grass.

I keep spending too much time with other people, and not with my own intentional thoughts. I really need to stop doing this. I want to wake up each day, have a plan and a goal, and work productively toward being a better person that day.

So, that's my first experience with tarot cards. Not too shabby. :)

30 in 30

I decided today that I should make a list of 30 important things that I would like to do in my 30th year. I turned 30 on July 14th. So, rather than feeling old, I choose to feel like life is just beginning. I am on the cusp of self-discovery and loving it. :)

The list is up to 18 things right now. It's actually a little bit difficult to come up with 30 things off the top of my head! The list is on the bottom of the sidebar on the right side of my blog. It will stay there for the year. As I work on these things and accomplish them, I will blog about it.

Now, what should I do first???

This probably won't make sense to you...

I feel so angry right now. I'm supposed to get in touch with my emotions and really allow myself to feel. Well, I don't know what to do with anger. It wants to turn into tears, but I just want to let it burn in my heart for a few. Why am I so angry? I know the "why," but I don't know why I decided to let the emotion come out of it. Self preservation?

Things I would like to say, but I'm too scared or feel like it's not very nice of me:
You can rationalize the hell out of your choices, but when it comes down to it, we are all filthy.
You are no better than any person out there. At all.
Talk to me that way again, and this journey will turn into a one-way ticket to hell.
Don't come back.

I miss my numb self that would just blow this off.



At the same time, I don't miss her at all.

Changes

I got this in an email today and thought it was pretty funny:

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."



I wish I had the balls to put that on my voicemail. :)

Your best face

Today my mom, aunt, and my aunt's grandson came up to Salt Lake City to eat lunch at the restaurant where I work. Previously this weekend, my mom mentioned that she would like to see the new place. I planned on cleaning up yesterday, but ended up not doing much in the way of tidying the house. This morning she called, and I invited everyone to come in when they arrived.


Well, did you get a chance to clean the house?

Not really, but we're all family. I've seen you all at your worst, so it's not a big deal.

Do you really want us to come in if it's not clean?

It's not that messy. No one will get cooties coming in here. What's the big deal?

Well...okay...


Now I would LOVE to say that I couldn't care less what my house looks like, and I treat all people the same. However, that is simply not true. Typically I would spend some time sprucing up the place, even if just straightening cushions, vacuuming the floor, and lighting a candle. When it comes to family, though, I just don't feel like I have to put on a show. At least I shouldn't feel pressured to put on a show. I am who I am. And in light of recent life circumstances, I've cut way back on my obsessive compulsive cleaning habits. While this may be uncomfortable for some people who have their expectations about how I should behave (especially the husband), I'm not a freaking nanny.

When it comes to my house, what you see is what you get. This is my face.

This reminded me of a recent conversation I had, as well as my experience with a handful of people I know. When someone is taking your picture, do you prefer to have a certain side of your body or face photographed? A certain angle? A certain pose?

Why are we so preoccupied with putting on our best face for everyone?...protecting that which makes us feel vulnerable, below-average, and inadequate?

Do we all have a million different personalities and faces? That change with every circumstance or situation in which we find ourselves?

Is it possible to have one face and to feel completely secure about who you are?


I would like to get there.

A good one

The more you talk and think about it,
The further astray you
Wander from the truth.
Stop talking and thinking,
And there is nothing you
Will not be able to know.
To return to the root
Is to find the meaning,
But to pursue appearances
Is to miss the source.
At the moment of inner enlightenment
There is a going beyond
Appearance and emptiness.

- Seng Ts'an (d. 606)

the voice of life, the voice of Being, of perpetual Becoming

I'm almost done with Women Who Love Too Much, and I think I will immediately read it again. This book has been amazing for me. Amazing enough to help me smile this morning when I was told how to do laundry...a smile, chuckle, and then, "you know, you can do your own damn laundry." Mmm...it felt good.

I'm also almost done with Siddhartha. I can see why this book is a favorite for some of my favorite authors. I can see how it has influenced their works, or at least aligned with their thought processes anyway.

"Often they sat together in the evening on the tree trunk by the river. They both listened silently to the water, which to them was not just water, but the voice of life, the voice of Being, of perpetual Becoming. And it sometimes happened that while listening to the river, they both thought the same thoughts, perhaps of a conversation of the previous day, or about on of the travelers whose fate and circumstances occupied their minds, or death, or their childhood; and when the river told them something good at the same moment, they looked at each other, both thinking the same thought, both happy at the same answer to the same question."

Herman Hesse, Siddartha p. 108

When I am able to have this quality of relationship with a person, I feel ridiculously blessed. I met a handful of people like this at Outback, getting to know them intimately while spending a week at a time in the wilderness. Oh, how I miss that job.

I dated a guy like that, too. I miss the nights we would sit outside, stare at the stars in silence and just be on the same page.

I want that.

The brief moments where the stars align and being is experienced lately have been wonderful. Very wonderful.

I'm excited about this stage of my journey. Good things are happening.

Happy Birthday Sis!!!

Happy Birthday to my sweet sister, Kosette!!!

I love her sooooo much!

Today she turns 28.

We fought a lot growing up, but I can honestly say that as adults, we love each other even more. She's the best sister ever!!!

I love you Kosette!

Marriage & Divorce

Just when I needed to hear it:



Something unique about me - when I need to hear or read something, it appears. This need isn't a temporal need; it is not a religious need; it is a spiritual need. And it comes in various forms: a smile, an old book, a phone call, a picture, an email, a video, etc.

Anyway, this video is just what I needed to hear right now.

I think I know what I am going to do with this relationship, but doubt still fills my mind. I want to make the right decisions. I suppose I should go consult the man upstairs. :)


A side note: My friend, Brinn, lent me her copy of Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. Talk about a mind-blowing book. I am a woman who loves too much, and I'm excited to finish this book and learn how to stop this negative and unhealthy pattern in my life. I HIGHLY recommend this book to every single woman out there. You will learn something that you can apply to yourself or that will help you be a supportive friend for your friends who are stuck in codependent relationships. What a great book.



I turn 30 tomorrow, and I am very excited about the possibilities of the future. I'm grateful that I am able to continue learning and growing and becoming the woman God intends me to be!

Blossom

I can't remember the source of the picture. I found it last night, and I slept it out of my memory. Dang it!

Anyway, I love this quote, and I love the font used. I'm intrigued by quote tattoos. Their only down side is that it's pretty trendy to have a quote done; however, the actual quote tattooed probably varies quite a bit, so there is some sort of originality with this concept.

If I had a quote permanently placed on my body, what would it say???



One of my favorite tattoos I've ever seen was on a girl at my work. It was a big beautiful tree, using blues, greens, and yellows. It was so magnificent. It was in the same place as this quote tattoo pictured, but a little more towards her back. Anyway, I wanted to frame it...which would be pretty difficult to do...

Fall Back by Obadiah Parker

I love it when I'm listening to my Ipod and I hear a "new" song that hits home. Here's the lyrics to this one:

Fall Back

I swear that I’ve been here before, on this same couch with this
Same disregard.
Baby, this is where darkness lives, and it’ll catch you off your guard.
I hope you can believe there’s more to me than what you see,
And that we have no business here even though you don’t agree.

Until we fall back onto the great I am
We’ll use up all we got, our love we will exhaust.
Until we learn to trust in the God of Abraham
And give up what we got, all will be lost.

Something here is wrong, I can hear it in your voice,
But crying at home by yourself is your method of choice.
Over the phone, just a couple miles away, is right where I belong.
Do you think that you were happier before I came along?

Until we fall back onto the great I Am
We’ll use up all we got, our love we will exhaust.
Until we learn to trust in the God of Abraham
And give up what we got, all will be lost.

I want to love you well; I want to do this right.
During the day it’s so easy but it gets hard at night.
I hope you can believe that I can’t go on at this rate;
Something’s gotta change, I just hope it’s not too late

Until we fall back onto the great I Am
We’ll burn up all we got, our love we will exhaust.
Until we learn to trust in the God of Abraham
And give up what we got, all will be lost.

What’cha gonna do with your love?
What’cha gonna let go of?
It’s time to make your choice right now.

What’cha gonna do about this?
You know it’s never just one kiss.
Don’t lie to me, don’t lie to yourself.

I feel like everything is wrong.

Use Your Words

Have you heard a mom say that to their little kid when they are whining or otherwise ineffectively communicating? I've heard a LOT of mom's say that. And I anticipate saying that to my kids as well.

I feel like saying that to myself and to my husband lately.

Why is it that when something is going wrong in a relationship, it is far easier to give the silent treatment rather than to communicate the issue and resolve it quickly?

Grunts and two word answers do not count as communicating.

And remaining silent instead of expressing myself does not count either.

I feel like if I were to use my words, it wouldn't be pretty. Perhaps that is how he also feels.

It has been a quiet day. Very quiet.

Today's Daily Zen

Like the empty sky it has no boundaries,
Yet it is right in this place,
Ever profound and clear.
When you seek to know it,
You cannot see it.
You cannot take hold of it,
But you cannot lose it.
In not being able to get it, you get it.
When you are silent, it speaks;
When you speak, it is silent.
The great gate is wide
Open to bestow alms,
And no crowd is blocking the way.

- Cheng-tao Ke

TV, Tears, Books, and Dreams

I love the emotional chaos I experience revolving around my period. I actually got teary watching a girl win some prizes on The Price is Right this morning. What the...?!?!

I stayed up until 3:30 am doing nothing last night, then woke up before 8 am with horrific cramps. Thank goodness I had some Midol and a rice-filled hot pad that a friend gave me years ago. It heats up beautifully in the microwave. So take all that pain and discomfort, throw in some emotion, and voila - tears at The Price is Right. :) Silly.

There was an item to price for one of the games on The Price is Right that totally inspired a crafty idea for me. I got a couple wooden frames at DI the other day, and the frame on The Price is Right had a really cool design either painted or wood-burned into it. I'm totally going to get a wood burner and do this to one of, or both, of the frames I got!

I finished The Zahir by Paulo Coelho this morning while treating my abdomen with the hot pad. I really started reading this book in December then forgot to keep reading it for several months. I'm a pretty fast reader if I can stay focused long enough to actually read a book. Anyway, I really enjoyed the book. It took me awhile to get into it, but that's because I wasn't ready for it. In December, I was ready.

I am a huge fan of Paulo Coelho. I swear when I read his books, it is just the time in my life that I am touched very specifically by the book. This happened with The Alchemist and Eleven Minutes. I think I've read The Pilgrimage, but I can't remember! It seems like I had a pleasant dream about the story, and it has fueled my own passion to have a personal pilgrimage. I would be ecstatic to actually go walk/hike the road to Santiago by myself. Yep, by myself. I mentioned it to Patrick once, and he would flip out if I were gone, in a foriegn country, on foot, by myself, for a month. I suppose I understand, but that doesn't remove the yearning from my soul. I'm pretty sure I've read By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept, too, but like The Pilgrimage, it's foggy in my memory. I'll read both of these again.

So, if you haven't read anything by Paulo Coelho, go get The Alchemist. It's a place to start.

Poor Poodles!

I'm watching a re-broadcast of the news, and this story brought tears to my eyes:



I can't believe the guy's family didn't call animal control sooner...they knew there were way too many dogs there. So sad. I'm glad the poodles are all cleaned up and will go to good homes.

(I freaking hate animal abuse.)

My kind of day!

I had a fun dirty day today.


After work, I stopped at Western Gardens and bought a bunch of herbs and some flowers. I cleaned up a rusted planter we got at an estate sale last year, painted it with a rust-killing primer, then spray painted it gold. I spent several hours moving the herbs into the little pots that sit all around the planter. (I'll take pictures in the day light.) Then I went to Ace Hardware and got a couple more pots and a habanero pepper plant for Patrick. That'll be fun when that one grows up and starts producing peppers equivalent to hell-fire-and-damnation. :)

So, we now have:

strawberries
cilantro
yellow pear tomatoes
yellow summer squash
rosemary
thyme
thai basil
cinnamon basil
spearmint
peppermint
geraniums
chives
habanero
and another flower plant that I can't remember its name...

I still want to get more plants, but I've decided this is a great start for this year. It will definitely keep me busy watering every day! I guess that's the only down side to having all of the plants in pots. The only one in the ground is the summer squash.

Getting my hands dirty and being outside always makes for a good day. :)

Then I made lentil soup with garlic, onions, jalapeno, bacon, and some spices. It was goooood. The only thing missing was my mom's home made rolls.

Tomorrow I'll be making home made bread. It's been a very long time since I last made bread, so hopefully it goes well. I can't wait to pull fresh bread out of the oven, cut a thick slice, and drench it in butter. That's a piece of heaven right there!

The Power of Intention

The Secrets of the Power of Intention: Live Lecture by Wayne W. Dyer

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
This lecture has been such a positive influence on my life. I lent it to my sister, and I miss having it in my car to keep me focused on what is most important. I HIGHLY recommend this lecture to anyone and everyone.


View all my reviews.

On a Positive Note...

I need to have more positive notes.

Have you heard of Dr. Wayne Dyer? I first heard of him around 4-5 years ago (really? that long ago??) when I worked at Outback Therapeutic Expeditions. I got my hands on his CD lecture, The Power of Intention. I listened to the 6 CD's over and over and over. At the time, I had a 30 minute commute each way to work, so it was a great time to listen and ponder what I was hearing. Whenever I was listening to that collection, my life felt so much more focused. I felt at peace. I felt hope. These are totally different feeling words than I used in my last post. :)

Yesterday I was doing some cleaning and Dr. Wayne Dyer was on PBS promoting his newest lecture and books. This one is called Excuses Begone! The book was published this May, so the PBS special was excerpts from a lecture he gave, and they were raising money for PBS by selling his books and CD's. It was a great program. The little bit that I heard was TOTALLY what I needed to hear. He talked about the 18 most commonly used excuses that all of us use way too frequently when we settle for less.

• I Can't Afford It
• It's Going to be Risky
• It Will Take a Long Time
• I'm too Busy
• It Will be Difficult
• There Will be Family Drama
• I Don't Deserve It
• It's Not My Nature
• No One Will Help Me
• It Has Never Happened Before
• I'm Not Strong Enough
• I'm Not Smart Enough
• I'm Too Old (or Not Old Enough)
• The Rules Won't Let Me
• It's Too Big
• I Don't Have the Energy
• It's My Personal Family History
• I'm Too Scared

I really want to get the book and CD collection and really take the time to quit using these excuses in my life (including my current frustrating situation).

I believe that our thoughts dictate the direction and the quality of our experience in this world. I just need to put that belief into practice, so it becomes concrete knowledge. A great place for me to start is with how I think about myself and about Patrick, though I really do feel that focusing on myself is the true starting point.

Oh, I have so much work to do...


P.S. Daily Inspiration from Dr. Wayne Dyer!

P. P. S. Sorry no pictures. I need to start loving my camera again. I know I actually take time to look at and read posts when there's at least one picture. I'm such a hypocrite! ;)

I just don't know what to do with myself...

You know that song with that line in the lyrics? I don't remember what the rest of the song was about, but that line is popping into my head.

Sometimes I can't get too specifically personal on my blog, which drives me nuts. There are things I would like to say and put into words to help me process my thoughts, but I'm afraid of people reading it and jumping straight to their own assumptions.

Hell, who cares.

My marriage is still pretty rough. I'm at the point where I honestly don't know if this is going to work, or if I think it is even supposed to work. I'm tired of having conversations about what needs to happen, followed by very little (if any) action. I'm tired of being the belittled and berated scapegoat. I'm tired of being judged by someone who is not innocent. I'm tired of not feeling like I'm as amazing as I really am.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

blah

I ate chocolate cake batter as a snack today.

I didn't make any Mary Kay phone calls today.

I smell.

I went to work and made $30.

I went to a pole class that was fun.

I cleaned out my car.

I wasted a lot of time on the computer.

I want more cake batter. (Period time.)

That's my day today. I am definitely still in a funk.

A day late

Yesterday was an odd day for me. For several reasons:

1) Patrick's mom stopped by after her flight landed in SLC. She had been visiting her sister in California. I love seeing Jana and talking with her. I don't think I was prepared to tell her Happy Mother's Day or anything, though. I know it's not hard to say the words, but my whole day felt very off, so I couldn't put the heart behind the words. And Patrick may or may not have told her Happy Mother's Day, and if he did, it was probably minimized as much as possible. So, if I put forth a stronger message of love and appreciation than her own son....it's just weird. And it would be fine if he didn't get so bugged when I do communicate my love and appreciation for his mom.

***WHY do husbands think that their wife has to adopt their feelings toward their family??? I experienced this with my ex-husband, too, and it is DAMN annoying!

2) I didn't even call my own mom. How crappy is that? I didn't do it intentionally. I forgot. Like I said, yesterday wasn't the greatest, and I was consumed in my own frustrations and self-pity. Not good, but that's where I was. I will certainly call the little lady this morning and apologize profusely. (I'm a crappy daughter sometimes.)

3) I have been at a crossroad in my life, metaphorically speaking, that is, for quite some time. I am SICK of it! Yesterday was one of those days that just rubbed my nose in the fact that my life is okay, mediocre, average, and ordinary. And that just sucks. My life isn't meant to be those things. It is meant to be remarkable, extraordinary, meaningful, focused, driven, successful, loving, cherished, and blessed. The only thing between where it is now and where it should be, unfortunately, is ME. *sigh*

4) We're moving this month. This is great and all, but moving is stressful for me, and right now, I need to be focusing on other things. Reality bites. I'm going to be the whip cracker to get this done (aka getting Patrick to go through his shit). This role wears me out. And while I'm excited for this new home, I'm a little worried. Patrick's friend, Chris, is moving in with us. He's a great guy, and I like him a lot. Patrick swears that Chris is a clean person, but Patrick thinks that he is a clean person. I don't want another adult man to pick up after. Is that too much to ask? And for some reason, I can't figure out how to get Patrick to get things done without turning into a naggy, angry, bitter, resentful bitch. That is so not me! Can't we all just look around and pitch in every day????? Is that too much to ask???? And I'm hoping that having another person around won't be a strain on our already strained relationship. I guess we'll just see how it goes.

5) The best part of my day was watching last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy while I put laundry away. I love that show. Quite naturally, I cried. It sucks that Izzie is going to die (most likely, anyway), but I suppose Katherine Heigl asked for it. What a great show. It at least made the "love" part of my heart a little warm. Thank goodness tv fills in for the inadequacies of real life, eh? :)

Okay, I realize this post is really negative, pessimistic, and a load of crappy venting. But guess what? It had to be done. It's out, and I feel a little bit better. Like I told my mom when we were in Arizona at the beginning of the month, "All I can do is my best. I can't predict the outcome of anything, so in the meantime, I take care of myself, and do my very best." So, it's time I start doing it.

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Check it out and you just might win an awesome hat! :)

Today's Daily Zen

Of one thing it is said
"that is bad"
and of another it is said
"that is good."
But there is nothing
inherent in things
that make them good
or bad, for each thing's
self is empty of
independent existence.

- Samantabhadra-Bodhisattva-sutra


I really like today's Zen quote. It reminds me of a little plaque that my grandma had in her kitchen that I am sure she toll-painted. It said, "Don't criticize your wife's judgment. She picked you as a husband!" So, to criticize others is to criticize yourself...we are all connected. Not to mention, the world could use a lot more praise and positivity!

BEFORE & AFTER

I'm finally getting around to posting pictures of my new hair color and trim. I forgot to take an "after" picture at the salon, so I had to wait for a day when I wasn't too lazy to actually do my hair. I'll be honest, the ponytail and I have a sickly codependent relationship. :)

BEFORE (my hair was so greasy!!!)


AFTER (and on my way to work)

I think I'm going to grow out my bangs again. I've enjoyed having them, but I'm not sure if they are quite right for my roundish/squarish face. I like having longer hair, though...I'll keep that for a bit, although I did find a few pictures of me with shorter hair back in August or so in 2006, and good gravy, I was hot! :) My goal this summer is to change my eating habits into healthy habits and exercise consistently. I want to look and feel healthier, which definitely means slimmer!! I've seen blogs where there is a daily picture of what the person is wearing that day. It might be fun to do that for a couple reasons: 1. I'll have to get up and get dressed every day. :) Sadly, I need motivation to end my beauty sleep. 2. I could make a sweet slideshow of my body shrinking. That would make me feel really good to watch. 3. It would be good fun.

Well, onto something more productive...

Hello

This is a picture I like of me, taken in January. I'm diggin' the red lips lately.

P.S.

I hate how when I post videos and such, they're always WAY BIGGER than my column for posts. Anyone know how to fix that???

The Soloist

It's been awhile since Patrick and I went to see a movie in a theater. Well, I'm very excited to go see this one...maybe I'll drag my family out when we're visiting in Arizona in a couple weeks:

Today's Daily Zen

Enlightenment is like the moon reflected on the water. The moon does not get wet, nor is the water broken. Although its light is wide and great, the moon is reflected even in a puddle an inch wide. The whole moon and the entire sky are reflected in dewdrops on the grass, or even in one drop of water. - Dogen (1200-1253)

Today's WOW moment:

Well, a TON of people have heard about Susan Boyle who performed on Britain's Got Talent last week. I hadn't heard of her until tonight, and her performance is surprising. Like getting surprised with a present when you're totally not expecting it. The song is I Dreamed a Dream from Les Miserables. The song is kind of sad/depressing, but the fact that this not-so-attractive 47 year old just tears it up blows me away. Watching the audience and the judges go from cynical and judgmental to entirely blown away is a trip. This woman inspires me.

Here's the link to the video on YouTube: Susan Boyle



What did you think?

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone!! I'll be doing homework by myself today, which isn't fun, but it has to be done. Patrick and I will have to do a nice dinner when he gets back from Vegas.

Trying a new dew

I'm getting my hair done tomorrow and my stylist always gives me a hard time if I've recently washed my hair. Well normally i wash on thursdays, but i figured i'd get it nice and greasy for her by waiting another day. Gross? Hey, I'm trying to be obedient.:) so to disguise my hamburger head i did the head wrap. I'm not sure if i pulled it off, but it sure was interesting to observe other people's reaction to it. Lots of stares in utah county.:) i can't wait to have a clean head tomorrow! Oh, we called really oily hair hamburger head when i was growing up...you know all the oil left in the pan when you cook ground beef on the stove? Funny, huh?

WOW me with your great service...

Good Customer Service vs. Bad Customer Service:

Well, here's today's example of bad customer service which I find pretty funny, actually...

Patrick got a phone call from a debt management company (not sure the name...don't care, either), and when he firmly informed the caller that he was on the Federal Do Not Call List and should not have been called, the caller said, "Do you have any KY Jelly for the dildo I'm about to shove up your @$$?" SERIOUSLY!!! The guy, representing that company, actually said that to Patrick. Who does that?? He must seriously hate his job, and maybe he saw a window with a blue sky of unemployment to jump out of. :)

Speaking of unemployment, Patrick is a whiz when it comes down to finding numbers. So, he just had a talk with the company and will be getting a call back when this caller has been "dealt" with.

Ahh...I'll laugh about this one for awhile.


***UPDATE***
So, the VP of the company called Patrick back and informed him that they found the caller, actually had a recording of the conversation, and they immediately escorted him off of the premises. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahahah!!!!!! Oh, that is too funny!

Then the VP asked him how he got their phone number, since they get around the Do Not Call List by routing their calls through Canada. All he would say is, "I'm just really resourceful."

(Thank you Google!)

Blog-Name Dropping and My Great Weekend

Rather than finishing my breakfast or getting in the shower, I decided to post this morning. :) Lucky you!

First of all, I have found a couple of blogs that put a smile on my face. There is the sailor-element to both of these, so for the tender eyes, just don't go there. For those of you who are as crusty and crass as I can be, check them out!!

Pacing the Panic Room (You may have seen the weekly pregnancy pictures the author takes of his wife...they're awesome photos and it's a great idea! Also, the author is an awesome photographer, so check out his work and send him good vibes for some job prospects!!!)

Scary Mommy (I've only read a couple of the posts, but dang, she's funny!)

And, lastly (since I really need a shower...), I had a great weekend. We had our area Career Conference with Mary Kay on Friday and Saturday. I've always enjoyed Career Conference...lots of great training and motivation. I especially love hearing from other women who came from much more difficult circumstances than I and have just conquered the world. Those women amaze and inspire me!

I'm also super excited about the company's Great Start program where new Beauty Consultants who sign an agreement ($100) are eligible to get a $100 rebate when they place a $600 wholesale order by the end of April. On top of that, they get $100 in free full size product, $113.50 in a free color look customized just for them, $56.50 in free samples, free personal website for 6 months, free catalogs, and the Starter Kit, alone, comes with over $300 in full size product. It's freaking amazing!!! My hope is that anyone I know takes a moment to look at the info and open their mind to the potential of the opportunity. :) It has blessed my life more than I could tell!!

I've made the decision to earn my first free car with Mary Kay. This is a huge goal, one of the best kinds - it's big enough to scare me! :) So, send me some good energy as I work toward this goal!!

beautiful dream catcher

Okay, I have to share a blog I love: A Print a Day


Yasmine has done a couple of dream catchers, and I LOVE THEM. So, I figured I should share them with whomever stops by my blog. :) Check out the rest of her great work at her website!

I'm labeling this post "projects" since I want to find a way to use the dream catcher in a craft or something. Hopefully an idea will creep into my head. ...in the meantime...schoolwork is calling...

Today's Zen

Do away with your old habits and start fresh.
Wash away your old opinions,
And new ideas come in

- Xue Xuan (1389-1464)


I really like this one. There is value in "washing away" old habits, opinions, and ideas to make room for new ones. This is something I strive for. I'm not always successful, but it's something that has benefited me when it is successful.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Iwas crafty today!!! I should wait to post this, since I'm sending these to my nephews and nieces, but I just can't wait! I'm kinda pleased with the result. :)

I made this Valentine:








Not too shabby, eh?? :) Now I wonder if I have any envelopes that would fit these cards.... AND, what am I going to do for Patrick for Valentine's Day???

Today's Daily Zen

You provide me a form;
I entrust you my Mind.
Though the body is filled
To the full by you,
The ten thousand things
Have become light.
Roaming in the universe,
In and out of mountain forests,
Why should I admire the beauty
Of red and purple robes?
I seek only that which
Frost and snow cannot harm.

- Han-Shan Te-Ch'ing

Thank Goodness

Thank goodness Patrick loves me enough to love me regardless of and as I work through my problems. Thank goodness I love Patrick enough to love him through his problems too.

This is one of the clips from the last episode of Grey's Anatomy. It wasn't the pivitol point of the episode or the biggest tear jerker for me, but still, a meaningful moment that reminded me of the importance of compassion and empathy.

Grey's Anatomy has put out 3 phenomenal episodes in a row with some serious tear jerking moments. The issues surrounding the death row patient and Meredith's compassion for him spurred a little ethics discussion in my head. I'm realizing more and more that the world is not black and white, and I find myself identifying with Meredith's choices in the last couple episodes.

I'm still digesting the last couple episodes and trying to process it all. Wow. Just wow.

(And I'm supposed to be doing homework right now.) :)

Zen for the day!

A mind full of light is like a blue sky found in a somber room.

- Hung Ying-ming 1596

Warrior of the Light Online

If you love Paulo Coehlo, too, or don't know who he is (aka...have yet to fall in love with him!), check out his blog. It's a newsletter sort-of format where he shares insights and little stories. There's more information about him as well. Here's a link that will take you to an especially insightful article that has made me consider breaking the "norm."

Warrior of the Light Online

Posted using ShareThis

Today's Daily Zen

Sitting by a teapot in a room bathed with pure breezes and moonbeams, one can read the mind of Heaven in every thing. Walking along a running brook in the clouded mountain, one can observe the mysteries of Tao in every moment.

- Hung Ying-ming 1596

Daily Zen Highlights

There's a website called Daily Zen that I set to pop up every time I open my browser. The daily posts are always great, but a few have really struck me. I usually post them on my friend, Melanie's MySpace or Facebook account, since she's my zenny friend. I've decided I'm going to start posting them here, too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Growing older, I grow into the Tao
I make my home in southern mountains
and go there on a whim to wander alone.
But even in all this splendor, things remain empty.
I climb to the headwaters of the river
where clouds rise up from emptiness.
If I chance to meet another hermit in the woods,
we talk and laugh and never even think of home.

- Wang Wei

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Autumn mountains:
Brocades of light
The clouds:
Endless beauty
I lean on my staff,
Contemplate crimson leaves
Silent:
As the birds streaming above me.

- Shih-shu (17th century)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We just sit in the midst of this contradiction where, although we aim, we can never perceive hitting the mark. We just sit in the midst of this contradiction that is absolutely ridiculous when we think about it with our small mind. In our zazen, it is precisely at the point where our small, foolish self remains unsatisfied, or completely bewildered, that immeasurable natural life beyond the thoughts of that self functions. It is precisely at the point where we become completely lost that life operates and the power of Buddha is actualized.

- Kosho Uchiyama (1912 -1999)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Melanie and Me after a concert in 2006

I want to make this

A yardstick coat rack!

This would look fabulous in our house. :) And it's super easy to make!

A goal: Read 12 books in 2009

What I want to read this year:

1. “Siddhartha” by Herman Hesse (recommended by Paulo Coelho)
2. “The Zahir” by Paulo Coelho (I’ve already started this one)
3. “I Never Promised You a Rose Garden” by Hannah Green (recommended by my husband)
4. “The China Study” by T. Colin Campbell, Ph.D. (I started this one a couple years ago and never finished. I was enjoying the book.)
5. “Who Cut the Cheese: A Cultural History of the Fart” by Jim Dawson (another book I started and didn’t finish…my husband gave it to me in fun)
6. “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry Into Values” by Robert M. Pirsig
7. “The Pilgrimage” by Paulo Coelho
8. “Prose Poems” by Kahlil Gibran (I’ve read a couple of the poems and LOVE this book. I found it at an antique store…lucky me!)
9. “Remembering Wholeness: A Personal Handbook for Thriving in the 21st Century” by Carol Tuttle (almost finished with this one)
10. “Atonement: A Novel” by Ian McEwan (started…need to finish…I need to quit starting and not finishing books!!!)
11. “Accepting the Universe” by John Burroughs
12. “The Fifth Mountain” by Paulo Coelho (pretty much anything by Paulo Coelho is on my list.)

...any other suggestions?? We pretty much have a library at my house; there certainly isn’t a shortage of books I haven’t read. I’ll probably just pick books at random to read, or I’ll ask my husband what he recommends, since most of the books are his. I’ve read most, if not all, of the books that are mine.

a funny(ish) story

Okay, it's probably not that funny, but I tend to entertain myself very easily. I'm the first one to laugh at my jokes and sometimes the only one that laughs. I'm okay with that.

Anyway, on to the story...

When I was in Denver helping to open the new Ling & Louie's, we trainers (Hospitality Hot Shots, that is) would come up with an "ice breaker" to start the day with all of the servers and hostesses we were training. One day, the "ice breaker" was to say your favorite animal and who your "celebrity freebie" would be...in the opposite gender's voice. So, in a man's voice, I said, "I love rottweilers because they're so STRONG!!! And I would totally do Bill Murray!!!" It was a joke, of course, but the reaction was great. Good old Makayla said Jackie Chan, and one of the servers said Borat, so there were a couple other funny answers.

I got an email from milliondollarbody.com (which has some awesome workout programs...I have Slim in 6) with Bill Murrays 6 New Years Resolution Tips, and it made me laugh because of my prior reference to Bill Murray. Here's his list of tips:



"Baby steps." In What About Bob?, Bill plays a manipulative obsessive-compulsive learning to get through life using "baby steps," as suggested by his shrink, Richard Dreyfuss. Try baby steps with your resolutions. You don't need to swear off all processed sugar and have washboard abs by the end of 2009. Start by limiting sweets to once a week and working out 5 days a week. If that's too much, swear off ice cream and walk 3 days a week. Pick an achievable goal, and when you reach it, pick another one.

"A former greenskeeper, now about to become the Masters champion." Baby steps might not be enough for you. Maybe it's six-pack abs or nothing. If this is the case, think about Bill in Caddyshack. As groundskeeper Carl, he spends the entire film hatching grandiose plans to beat that gopher.

It never occurs to him to take it one hole at a time. The same goes for you. The abs can be the goal, but start with cleaning up the diet, getting the exercise on a regular basis, burning the fat, building the muscle, etc. This way, if the year is up and you haven't quite got the abs you want, you'll still feel like you accomplished a lot along the way.

"If that were our plane, it'd be crashing." In Quick Change, Bill robs a New York bank. It goes off without a hitch, until the supposed "easy part," the getaway to the airport, turns out to be wrought with obstacles, thus forcing him to continually improvise.

It's almost certain that you're going to hit all kinds of surprise road bumps on the way to your goals. Your body is every bit as complex and chaotic as Manhattan is to Bill and his accomplices. When things go egg-shaped, change your route or, if necessary, alter your goals.

"Stewardess, is there a movie on this flight?" In Stripes, Bill joins the army, but he brings the party with him. P90X® may be a boot camp, but that doesn't mean you can't have a little fun mingled in with the pain. Pick an outfit you're dying to wear and make it a goal to fit into it. Learn to jump rope. Buy a pogo stick and pledge to get up to 100 bounces. Make a point of going dancing once a month. Mock Tony as he bosses you around on screen—whatever it takes.

"How about a little teamsmanship?" The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou finds Bill struggling to understand the relationships in his life. In the end, he learns about the power of friendship and family. The same goes for you. Don't be afraid to ask for support from the people around you. Or, you can also look to the Beachbody Message Boards and to our workout partnering system, WOWY.com, for motivation and inspiration.

"We came, we saw, we kicked its . . . ." Bill goes up against insurmountable odds to defeat the Sumerian god Gozer the Gozerian in Ghostbusters. Sometimes, it may feel like you'd have better luck fighting the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man than achieving your goals. The odds may be against you, the pounds of fat many, and the cravings intense, but if you sit there and fret, you'll never know if you can do it. The same lesson can be pulled from watching Bill play the role of Polonius in Hamlet. Bill Murray doing Shakespeare? Exactly. You never know unless you try, so don't be afraid of no ghost.

"I'll give you a winter prediction: It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life." If you try and you fail, remember Groundhog Day, which finds Bill living the same day over and over until he gets it right. Just because you mess up your resolution doesn't mean you've been beaten. Just take a deep breath and try again. Eventually, you'll figure it out. And don't forget, if your goal is to do Slim in 6® but you only made it through 4 weeks, that's still 4 weeks of fitness that will back you up for your next try.

Listen to Uncle Bill. He knows what he's talking about. Take this advice regarding your resolutions, and, just as Bill famously said to John Candy in Stripes, you'll soon be a "lean, mean, fighting machine."

Well put, Bill...and Team Beachbody. :)

New Years Eve report

Our New Years Eve turned out quite nice. Patrick and I went to my friend, Brinn's house and spent the evening with her and her man, Trevor, and their adorable little girl, Tinsley. We played a feisty game of Scrabble (that game never gets played peacefully), watched the ball drop in NYC on tv, exchanged a kiss (Patrick and me, that is), and ate a bunch of munchies. It was low key and a pleasant success. :)